


Love Me Like You Used To

by eversinceniall



Series: Hold Onto Me [2]
Category: Bring Me The Horizon, Pierce the Veil, Sleeping With Sirens
Genre: Amnesia, Coma, Confusion, F/M, Falling In Love, Friendship, Healing, Hospitals, M/M, Memory Loss, Past Suicide Attempt, Requited Love, Sad, Unrequited Love, dwelling
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-30
Updated: 2016-08-10
Packaged: 2018-05-30 04:14:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 25,858
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6408352
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eversinceniall/pseuds/eversinceniall
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kellin should be dead. But he's not. After attempting suicide, and entering a coma, he finally wakes up. But there's something wrong.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Kellin's POV

I wake up feeling drowsy.

Sleep, that's what I want to do. I wake up, but I don't open my eyes. I fully intend on going back to sleep.

Geez, what is with me? What time is it? I feel like I haven't slept in a few thousand years. Which is weird, because I just woke up.

My arms and legs feel like blocks of granite, holding me down.

Everything seems perfectly normal, you know, other than the fact I feel like a damn zombie.

Then, I hear something that makes me pause.

A faint beep.

I dismiss it, and snuggle into my blankets, which feel different might I add, and am about to fall back to sleep.

Then I hear it once again, and this time I can't just ignore it.

Beep. Beep. Beep.

It sounds like... a hospital machine.

What the hell?

I quickly open my eyes, blinking harshly against the bright light.

What am I? A vampire? Why are my eyes so sensitive?

My vision is blurry and I rub my eyes with the palms of my hands until finally, it goes away.

White.

The walls are white, and the floor are tan tiles.

Next to me are a few hospital machines that I'm hooked up to.

Across from my bed is a door, which I assume leads out into the hall.

To my right is another, presumably the bathroom.

I'm...I'm in a hospital room, laying in a hospital bed, in a hospital gown.

I feel my face with my hands.

This can't be real, right?

My fingers rub against the normally smooth skin of my chin and upper lip. Instead of baby smooth skin, I find the faintest bit of prickily facial hair.

What the hell?

I don't have facial hair. Ever. It's not my thing. If I notice even the slightest bit of hair beginning to grow, I immediately shave it.

But what's there, it has to be at least a week or so's worth.

Just as I remove my hands from my face, I catch a glimpse of brown bandages on my wrists.

I'm in a hospital with mysterious bandages around my wrists.

That could only mean one thing, right?

Suicide.

I must have attempted suicide.

It's not a surprise. I mean, I've been a fucked up mess for most of my life.

The strange thing is I can't remember doing it. I can't remember the attempt. I can't remember anything.

My mind is drawing up a blank.

I know I haven't lost my memory. I know mostly everything. My whole life situation with Vic, Danielle, and my mom. Nothing seems missing.

The only problem is that I don't remember my suicide attempt. Or anything that happened right before it

Why did I do it? Did something happen that set me off? Or did I finally get fed up and decide to end it?

I sit in silence for quite a while. I'm thinking. I'm trying to remember so hard that I'm beginning to get a headache.

I don't even notice when the door to my room opens.

"Kellin?" A male voice asks sounding shocked, and yet delighted at the same time.

The voice, low and deep, sends tingles throughout my body. It feels so familiar, and yet completely unknown.

What is going on?

I look up and my eyes meet with hazel ones. Belonging to a boy, who looks around my age.

He wears a button up shirt, and grey skinny jeans. He has shoulder length dark brown hair, and tattoos litter the visible parts of his body.

He's tall. Really tall, at least compared to my height of 5'8.

Another thing is that he's beautiful. Possibly one of the most beautiful people I've ever met. He could most definitely be a model.

He approaches me, and comes to a stop beside my bed.

Tears well up in his eyes and he looks at me with this strange intensity.

"Kellin." He says in a whisper. He leans over the side of my bed and wraps his arms around my body in a hug.

I don't know what to do. I stiffen up when he touches me, but begin to relax after a few seconds.

Being in his arms like this feels so natural and I allow myself to enjoy it.

I find myself reciprocating the hug. I wrap my arms around his broad back, not squeezing him even nearly as tight as he is squeezing me.

I don't why, but this feels normal, even though I have no clue who this boy is.

He pulls away after about a minute.

For some reason, I find myself missing the warmth of his body against mine.

He looks me in the eyes and grabs my hand. His hold is firm.

His hand is soft and warm in mine.

He's a complete stranger, but he's acting as though we're close friends or something.

For some reason, I can't bring myself to pull my hand away.

He grabs a chair and drags it over to my bed before placing himself on it, my hand still held tightly in his.

"I can't believe you're awake." He says as he lets out a laugh of relief.

"Yeah." I agree. "I'm awake."

I don't know what to say. I'm confused, but I manage to hide it by plastering a grin on my face.

Whoever this person is, obviously cares very deeply for me, and I don't want to risk hurting him by saying I've no clue who he is.

"Are you okay?" He asks, giving me a look of concern.

Maybe I'm not as good at acting normal as I thought.

"I'm fine." I lie.

 _Except, I have no idea what the hell is happening or who you are_.

"You sure?" He asks.

I nod. "I'm sure."

Geez, he's persistent.

He smiles, and stares at me for a while. It's pretty weird, and I begin to feel very self conscious.

"Why are you staring at me?" I ask, a blush tinting my face.

"Missed you." He replies simply.

God, this sure is awkward.

Then something even stranger than what's already going on happens.

He cups my face in his hands, and...

He's about to kiss me?!

His lips connect with mine, and for some reason unbeknownst to even myself, I don't pull away.

I let it happen.

I let my eyes slip shut as his lips move against mine, firm yet soft.

Butterflies erupt in my stomach.

I place my hand on his neck and pull him closer.

One second we're kissing, and the next, a name flashes through my head.

Oliver.

That's this boy's name.

But...I still don't know who he is.

With that realization I snatch myself away from him.

What the hell? He kissed me and I _liked_ it.

What is going on?

I really have lost my memory, haven't I?

This boy, he must be important to me, if the butterflies in my stomach have anything to say about it.

"Oliver." I breathe out. 'That's your name, yeah? Oliver?"

He gives me a confused look. "Yes, I'm Oliver. Are you sure you're okay?"

"No." I admit. "I'm not okay."

There's no point in lying, in pretending everything is fine.

I'm confused out of my mind, and I need answers.

"What's wrong?" Oliver asks innocently.

"I don't- I have no idea who you are."


	2. Chapter 2

'I don't know who you are' is all I have to say before Oliver is racing out of the room to get the doctor.

I wait around fifteen minutes. I fiddle with my fingers, a nervous habit I am unable to break.

Finally, the door opens, and Oliver steps in, a beautiful woman trailing in behind him.

She shuts the door firmly behind her, and comes over to my side, taking the seat Oliver was previously in.

Oliver stands over to the side, his hands tucked into the pockets of his tight grey jeans.

"Kellin Quinn, right?" The woman asks. "I'm Dr. Williams. Oliver here has informed me that you don't remember who he is, correct?'"

I nod slowly, crossing my arms over my chest. "It's weird. I thought everything was fine, yknow, my memory. He walked in, and I thought he was a stranger. But he was acting like he knew me. And then out of nowhere I remembered his name. Oliver. But I don't remember anything about him."

I intentionally leave out the whole Oliver and I having a make out session and in the middle of it, I remembering his name. She doesn't need to know all that.

Dr. Williams nods, taking in my words. "Tell me what the last thing you remember is."

I think hard. The last thing I remember....

"I was going to kill myself. I remember that. I planned it all out. I decided I would jump off the cliff down the street from my house. But the last thing I can remember is planning it all out. I never went through with it. That's all I know. Last thing I know, I was scheming up a way to kill myself, before going to sleep. I was going to do it the next day. Then I woke up here, and well...You know the rest."

"Was there a specific reason? That you were going to kill yourself?" Dr. Williams asks.

I shake my head. "No, not really. I was just miserable with life. I was depressed, still am, I assume. I'd been self harming for years, and I figured I should just do it and get it over with. There was no use in prolonging my worthless life."

I can't keep the bitterness out of my voice.

I'm about to continue, but I pause, hesitate. I glance at Oliver. For some reason, I feel weird to talk about what I want to say next around him. I don't know why. It's not a big deal. Right?

"And?" Dr. Williams prompts me to continue.

"I guess there was sort of a reason..Well, not really a reason, but more a factor in all this. I'm in love with my best friend, Vic. He's got a girlfriend, and I'm happy for him. But I'm pretty miserable watching them be all cutesy."

I avoid looking at Oliver throughout my explanation. It's not like this is a private matter. Sure, he's a stranger to me, at least at the moment, but I don't care if he hears.

I just have the strange feeling talking about this will hurt him. He did kiss me. Does that mean we have something? Something I can't remember?

Do I even love Vic anymore?

I think I do.

But it's all so very confusing.

Are Oliver and I a thing?

"Okay." Dr. Williams sighs. "Kellin, you seem to have lost your memory. About seven months of your memory, to be frank."

"What?" I burst out, interrupting her. "How?"

"Well, you've been in a coma."

"How long?" I question frantically.

"Three weeks." Oliver speaks up.

I look over at him instinctively. Our eyes connect, and he gives me a sad, half hearted smile.

"You obviously don't know what happened to you." Dr. Williams continues. "You attempted suicide, Kellin. You cut your wrists, very deep, and nearly bled out, which is why you have those bandages on your wrists."

"What else?" I ask.

I know there has to be more. I don't think you can end up in a coma for three weeks from slitting your wrists. Then again, what do I know? I'm not the doctor.

"You swallowed 70 antidepressants and 20 something sleeping pills. The combination should have killed you. If your mother hadn't gotten home from work early and found you, you surely would have died. Luckily, she called 911 immediately and we were able to pump your stomach. However, the pills had already done some damage on your body, and although not deadly enough to kill you, we couldn't prevent you from going into a coma."

Antidepressants? Where the hell did I get those? I voice my thoughts, asking exactly that.

"We weren't quite sure at first either." Dr. Williams tells me. "But your mother revealed to us that she takes antidepressants and when she went looking for them, they were missing. She found the empty bottles in your bedroom, so it's obvious you stole them from her."

I feel a bit sick to my stomach from all this new information. It's hard to process, and I find myself feeling exhausted.

Dr. Williams must notice this because she stands up, and walks over to the door.

She turns her head, right before she exits the room. "I'm sure you're tired now, so get some rest. If you have anymore questions, I can answer them for you tomorrow once you're well rested."

I nod in agreement, and she smiles, before leaving the room, closing the door behind her to give Oliver and I some privacy, I assume.

Oliver comes over and sits in the chair besides me once again.

"Is there anything else you want to know?" He asks.

I look over at him. "Tons. Of course I want to know a lot. I've only lost seven months of my life." I say sassily.

A tiny smile appears on Oliver's face.

"What?" I ask. "You're smiling."

He shakes his head. "You're just funny. Still so sassy, even when you have no clue what's happening."

I huff, but can't help but smile back at him.

His smile is contagious.

"Sass is in my nature." I tell him.

"Trust me, I know. I've only dealt with it nearly every day for months." Oliver says with a grin.

"Yeah." I say softly. "I guess you have."

We're silent for a moment.

"So," Oliver speaks up. "What do you want to know?"

"A lot. But I think I'm too tired today." I say, a yawn overtaking me as if on cue.

"Which is ironic." I continue. "Considering I've been sleeping for like three weeks."

"I'm glad you're awake." Oliver says instantly.

"Me too." I agree. "I feel like I've missed out on so much."

"You haven't." Oliver tells me, then after a second adds,"Well, I guess technically you have. Seven months- eight months if you count the time you spent in a coma."

"Mhm. Tell me about it tomorrow?" I ask, hoping he'll say yes.

He nods. "Of course."

"I think- I think I'm going to go to sleep now." I state.

I snuggle into the blankets. They're not as comfy or as warm as the ones I have at home, but they'll have to do.

"Okay." Oliver says, "I guess I should get going. I'll see you tomorrow, lov- Kellin."

He gets up, making his way towards the door. His hand is on the doorknob, about to turn it when I stop him.

I don't know what comes over me but...

"Wait." I say, my voice sounding oddly desperate.

Oliver turns around to look at me. He raises an eyebrow. "What is it?"

"Will-" I hesitate. "Will you stay with me? Until I fall asleep?" I ask him, my voice holding vulnerability.

I don't know why I ask him that. He's a stranger, yet I feel like he's the only one I have. Vic isn't here, nor is my mother. Only he is. Strangely, that's enough.

He's a stranger, but I know in reality, he isn't. He looks at me so adoringly. I can tell he cares about me, that he wouldn't hurt me.

And I guess I trust him.

He's not bad. I can tell.

The way my heart flips around in my chest (metaphorically, of course) when I see him smile tells me that. If he was bad, I don't think I'd allow him in my life, much less have feelings for him.

I don't recognize these feelings. I just hope I remember, so that I can remember them, why I feel them.

Oliver voices breaks through my thoughts.

"Really?" He asks, seeming surprised. "You want me to stay?"

I nod shyly. "I know I don't know you- well, I don't remember you, but I don't know, you make me feel safe."

A wide grin blooms on his face.

"Is that weird?" I ask cautiously.

He shakes his head. "Not at all."

"So...Will you? Stay?"

He smiles warmly. "Of course I will

Oliver walks back over to the chair, and plops down in it.

"Is that comfy?" I ask.

I don't want him to sit on some uncomfortable, hard plastic chair for too long.

It doesn't look like it would be comfy. Then again, when are hospital chairs ever comfortable?

"Nah." He says. "But it's okay. I'm kind of used to it."

Used to it? I want to ask, but I choose not to.

"Goodnight." I say instead.

"Night."

I close my eyes, ready to sleep.

"Thank you." I murmur, pulling the blankets up over my face to get warmer.

"For what?"

"For staying." I say, words muffled into the blanket.

I doze off quickly, my mind going blank.

Just before I fall into a deep slumber, I don't fail to hear Oliver say, "I'll always stay with you."

Then there is only darkness, and the peaceful, welcoming arms of sleep.


	3. Chapter 3

When I wake up, I open my eyes to bright light once again.

I blink sleepily and sit up in my bed, pulling the covers along with me.

I look around the room and find that Oliver is still with me. His body is sprawled out on the hard plastic chair.

I wonder how he could fall asleep like that.

I look at the clock, steadily ticking away from it's place above the door.

11 AM.

My heart fills with a strange sort of warmth. Oliver stayed the whole night.

I hear a groan from my left, and I turn my head to find that Oliver has woken up.

He stretches, before opening his eyes, his gaze landing on me.

"Morning." I say.

He smiles softly, sitting up. "How long have you been up?"

"Not that long. A few minutes maybe." I pause. "So. You stayed with me?"

"I said I would."

"I didn't think you meant the whole night."

"Did you not..." Oliver hesitates. "Did you not want me to?"

"No!" I rush out. "I did. It's nice to know you care about me so much that you chose a hard plastic chair over your own comfy bed."

Oliver shrugs. "I'll always choose you."

I'm silent for a while. I'm not sure what to say to that.

Oliver breaks the awkward silence. "Sorry. About saying things like that. I guess I'm just used to it, being all sweet with you."

"It's okay." I say.

"Are you hungry?" Oliver asks after a while.

I nod. "Yeah, I actually am."

"I can go get us something to eat, if you want? Something other than disgusting hospital food."

"Okay." I agree. "Where will you go?"

"Is a fast food place good?"

"Sure, but which one?"

"Wendy's?" Oliver suggests.

"I can do Wendy's. Can you get me a-"

"Sour cream and chive baked potato with a Caesar side salad?"

I laugh, startled. "How did you know that?"

"I know a lot of things about you." Oliver says with a suggestive wink.

I feel my cheeks heat up. "I'm sure you do."

"I'll be back in about twenty minutes or so." Oliver tells me, standing up and shrugging his coat on.

"Okay." I say softly. "Bye."

He glances back at me once to say, "See ya in a bit, Kells."

Then I'm left alone with only my thoughts.

~

Ten minutes later and I'm lost so far in my own head that there's no longer any light. I'm zoned out completely. This is a habit of mine.

Oliver. That's what I'm thinking about.

There's so much I want to know. What are we? Is he my boyfriend? Or are we friends?

I'm assuming it's the first. After all, if we were just friends, why would he kiss me?

Oliver is so confusing. Well, not really.

I guess it's me that's confusing. I don't know how to feel about him. I get these weird feelings when I see him that make me think even more that we were more than friends.

I don't know anything about him, but I feel like I do. Familiarity, I think that's it. My body is familiar with him, maybe my subconscious mind is, too. But I can't remember any of that.

A gasp draws me out of my thoughts.

I lift my head up in the direction of the door, and who do I see?

My best friend.

Vic.

He looks different. Then again, I guess a person can change in seven months time.

His hair is longer, still wavy. He seems to have gotten a few inches taller. Huh, maybe we're the same height now.

He looks...good.

"Vic?" I question excitedly.

"Y-you're awake?" He asks disbelievingly.

I nod. "I'm awake."

Tears well up in his eyes.

Suddenly there's a boy on top of me, hugging and squeezing me to the point where it hurts.

I hear a sniffle, and then feel a wetness on my skin as Vic sobs into my neck.

"Vic?" I ask cautiously. "Are you okay?"

He laughs, and pulls away. He sits down on the bed next to me, and holds my hand in his.

"I should be asking you that." He says.

"I'm fine." I assure him.

"When did you wake up? Nobody told me."

"Yesterday. It was all very...overwhelming, you could say. I wasn't awake long anyway."

"Are you sure you're okay?" Vic asks softly.

"Mhm. I swear I'm fine."

"Where's Oliver?" Vic asks in what seems like surprise.

"He went to Wendy's to get us some food." I inform him. "Why'd you ask?"

Vic shrugs. "Oh, no reason. It's just that while you were in a coma, he barely left the room."

I find myself smiling fondly at the thought. He cares about me so much it's ridiculous.

"Really?" I ask.

"He didn't want to leave you in case you woke up and he wasn't there."

"How sweet." I comment.

Vic smiles at me. "He was so scared. We both were. The doctors said that the chances of you waking up from the coma were higher than you not, but we still couldn't help but have our doubts."

"I'm here now. I'm awake, and I'm okay." I say in what I hope is a reassuring way.

Vic seems different. He's acting more affectionate and loving with me than he usually does. Then again, that could be because I was on the brink of dying, or, even worse, never waking up.

"I know. You have no idea how glad I am that you're awake. I imagine Oliver showered you in kisses as soon as you woke up."

"Yeah, he did. I liked it though. It was awkward, too, but, you know."

Woah.

Did I just admit that I liked it when he kissed me?

Honestly, I'm not even ashamed. I'd do it again.

"Awkward?" Vic raises an eyebrow in questioning.

"Well, I don't remember him, so it was a bit weird. I've gotta say, he was a damn good kisser, though I don't have much experience-"

"Wait." Vic interrupts, his eyes widening. "What did you say?"

"Um...he was a good kisser?"

"No. The other thing."

"I don't remember him?"

"Yeah. That."

Oh.

Fuck.

I forgot about that. Ha, well, to be more specific, I forgot that Vic doesn't know the whole situation going on with me and my memory loss problem.

"Uh, I sort of lost my memory." I tell him awkwardly.

"What? How?" Vic asks, sounding panicked.

"Calm down." I say soothingly.

"Calm down? I can't. What do you remember? You remember me. What don't you remember?" Vic asks, his words all rushed.

"Well," I start. "The doctor told me I've lost the last seven months of my life."

"Seven months?" Vic practically shouts.

"Shhhh. We are in a hospital, you know? Someone's going to think you're murdering me."

Vic ignores my comment, and instead fires questions at me. "So you don't remember anything?

I shake my head.

"Oh God." Vic says shakily.

"What is it?" I ask, suddenly worried.

"If you don't remember anything, then that means there's a lot of stuff I have to tell you. Again."

"Bad stuff?" I question, hoping my instincts are wrong.

"Depends on how you take it."

"Okay. Shoot." I say, wanting to get it all over with.

"Alright." Vic gulps. "I'm not going to be a coward about this. I'm just going to spit it out. Prepare yourself, okay?"

I nod in agreement.

"Alright. I'm in love with you." Vic reveals, giving me a wary look.

I gape at him.

Of all the things I was expecting to come out of his mouth, those words were not one of them.

In love with me?

"Y-you're joking, right?" I ask, in disbelief.

He shakes his head, and offers a sad smile. "No. Unfortunately, I'm not."

"When? Since when?" I choke out.

I'm so confused, and lost. When did this happen? Jesus Christ, you sure can miss a lot in the span of seven months, huh?

"About five month ago. That's when I realized it."

"Why aren't we together?" I blurt out.

"Because you aren't in love with me anymore. You love Oliver now."

"I don't remember that. The last thing I remember, I was in love with you." I admit.

The revelation that Vic loves me comes as a surprise. I don't quite feel for him what I used to. It's weird, but I guess that's because I don't love him anymore.

I don't love him. I've realized that.

I don't love him in that way, but it's hard to process that fact. Last thing I knew I was hopelessly in love with him.

I remember the way my heart would soar in my chest whenever he walked into the room. I remember the blush I was unable to contain when he looked at me.

But now all of that is gone. Instead I mostly feel how I feel around other people. Normal. There is no nervousness that I will slip up and reveal my feelings.

Maybe that's because there aren't any. At least, not ones as strong as before.

But there's one thing that confuses me.

I don't love Vic, but when I'm with him, I do get butterflies.

Whatever it is, I don't know.

"You don't love me, right?" Vic asks, skeptically.

I can tell that he's hiding it, but I hear it in his voice. A glimpse of hope, shining through.

"I don't know." I say truthfully.

Right now, I don't know what I feel. For some reason, this whole thing feels like deja vu.

God, I wish I could get my memory back.

"What else is there you have to tell me?" I ask in hopes of changing the subject.

"Dani and I broke up."

"What? Why?" I ask, shocked.

I never liked Dani. In fact, I hated her. Back when her and Vic first started dating, sure I was jealous, but I was nice as possible to her.

But she was a brat. Every nice word I said, she'd somehow find a way to turn it around and insult me.

Even though she was a horrible person to me, she was Vic's girlfriend and I knew he loved her. Regardless of my feelings for him, I wasn't going to sabotage their relationship.

So this was a shock. Danielle might not have been so friendly to me, but from what I could see, she truly cared about Vic. 

"She..." Vic's voice wobbles. "She, um, cheated on me. Multiple times."

"Fuck." I curse. "I'm so sorry. Who was it with?"

"Well, Oliver was the first as far as I know. Then it was Tony Perry."

My ears perk up. "Wait. Did you say Oliver?"

Vic tenses up. "Yes. You and I had mostly gotten over the whole situation though."

"Why the hell would he do that?" I ask, feeling anger rise up in me. Vic is my best friend, how could Oliver fuck his girlfriend?

Not only that, but the thought of Oliver with someone else bothers me more than it should. I try to shrug it off, but the pain in my chest refuses to leave.

What the hell?

"Well, he was into you, and you didn't know. He told you about how he was in love with some girl. You gave him advice to get over her, not knowing that this 'girl' was actually you."

"Jesus Christ." I say with a laugh. "These last seven months have been a drama filled mess, huh?"

"Yeah." Vic agrees. "They sure have."

We sit for awhile in a comfortable silence. Honestly, I'm mostly trying not to think about Oliver and Danielle. Why do I feel so jealous?

I look up when I feel someone staring at me.

I lift ny head to see Vic studying me thoughtfully.

"What?" I ask, suddenly self conscious.

He shakes his head. "Nothing, it's just....you're jealous, aren't you?"

"Jealous? Of what?" I ask, playing dumb.

How could he know?

"Oliver, and Danielle."

"I'm not jealous." I deny.

Vic gives me a pointed look.

I sigh, shifting in bed. "Fine. I'm a little jealous. How did you know?"

"Well ever since I mentioned them, you've been sitting there all zoned out with a painful look on your face." Vic says with a teasing smile.

I blush. "I can't help it. I don't know even a single thing about him but I feel this unexplained fondness whenever I think about him."

Vic smiles. "That's cute."

"No. It is not cute. It's confusing."

"Don't think too much." Vic tells me. "Just go with what feels right."

"I guess I could try."

I'll try, but I'm sure it's hopeless. I can't go a minute without thinking about something.

"Hey, can I ask you something?" Vic speaks up.

"Of course."

"Okay this is going to be a pretty blunt question, just letting you know." Vic warns.

"That's fine, I'm used to bluntness, having to deal with Oliver all the time..."

Wait.

What?

Images flash through my mind.

Oliver, and I talking.

We're sitting on top of a cliff, with our feet hanging off the edge.

It's the same cliff I attempted to jump off. The place where Oliver and I met. Where he saved my life.

"Do you still want to die?" He asks me.

I'm used to him. To his blunt and straightforward sentences.

I hesitate to answer.

"Sometimes. Sometimes I feel...like there's no hope , no point in me being here."

"Is that a yes?"

Now, I grab his hand.

"No," I say lightly. "It's an 'I don't know.'"

His hand is warm, and soft against mine.

"I guess that's better than a yes."

I let out a breath I'd been holding in. "You give me hope."

"How?"

I don't know how we got to this, but we're here.

So I open my mouth and spill out the words that describe my feelings like ink on a blank canvas.

"Because you care. Because you're here, and you stay, and you don't give up on me even when it's hard. I like that. For so long, I've held all my emotions inside. My mother doesn't know, Vic doesn't know. It was a burden. It was my deep dark secret. Then you came along, and it wasn't a big deal to you. You didn't look at me like I was crazy. You understood, and I needed that more than you'll ever know. I wanted to die that night, and you saved me, a stranger. But the important thing is that you stayed. It's been nearly three months, and you've had plenty of chances to see just how fucked up I am, but you're still here by my side. When I look at you, I feel hope, and... you make me forget all the bad things that make this world, and myself so ugly."

My feelings come pouring out, and I have to stop myself from continuing on, saying more.

So much more.

Oliver's hand tightens on my own. My hand is small in comparison to his.

"I will never leave," he vows.

I want to believe him, but I know well that everybody leaves one day.

Maybe he can read my mind, because he gives me a deep, meaningful look.

"I promise. I'll stay here with you forever. I'll always be here. I'm not going anywhere."

I slip my fingers in between his.

"You better not."

I look into his twinkling hazel eyes, and I know I am in trouble.

I know this feeling.

I'm falling in love with him.

"Kellin? Kellin, are you okay?" Vic snaps his fingers in front of my face.

I blink, and the vision, the whatever, ends.

Memory. It was a memory, wasn't it?

"Sorry," I apologize. "I just-"

"What happened? One minute you were fine, and the next you just sort of zoned out on me."

"I think- I think I just remembered something." I murmur, still lost in thought.

"What was it?"

I don't feel like explaining it. It was too personal.

"Nothing." I brush it off. "Just remembered something that happened between Oliver and I."

Vic must sense that I don't want to talk about it, because he doesn't pry anymore.

"Okay." He says, changing the subject. "Do you still want me to ask you the question?"

"Go ahead." I tell him.

I need a distraction. I can't stop thinking about that memory, about Oliver.

"Do you still want to die?" Vic asks, nervously wringing his hands together.

My breath gets caught in my throat. What irony that he would happen to ask me that question right now, when I've remembered the first thing about Oliver other than his name.

"I don't know." I answer, and it feels like deja vu.

Maybe that's because it is.

"I might. But I don't know. All I know right now is that I'm itching for my blade terribly. Maybe I want to die, maybe I don't, but I don't really know."

"Why did you do it?" Vic asks cautiously, as if scared that asking me that question will set me off. "When did you become depressed and suicidal?"

"I became depressed when I was eleven years old. A sadness came over me that I couldn't wash away. I started cutting when I was twelve, and I haven't stopped yet. At least, not that I know of."

"Eleven? What happened to make you become like this?"

"Nothing. It's not very easy to explain. One minute I was happy, and the next, I became a mess. It didn't all happen like that, but it sure feels like it did."

"Why did you try to kill yourself?" Vic repeats, a question I'd been avoiding.

How can I answer something I don't know the answer to? This would be so much easier if I had my memory. Maybe then I'd be able to explain this all clearly. But I don't have my memory and I can't explain something I can't even recall.

"I don't know." I say truthfully. "I really don't know. I guess maybe I just got fed up with living. I won't really know until I get my memory back."

Vic sighs. "God, I can't wait until it comes back."

"Me too." I agree. "Me too."

I can't wait to remember. I can't wait to sort out all these mixed emotions I have about Oliver.

Most of all, I need to talk Oliver about the possible memory I recalled.


	4. Chapter 4

"Hello Kellin." Dr Williams greets me as she walks into the room early the next morning.

"Hi." I say, my voice a little groggy.

I woke up over two hours ago, yet I still feel exhausted.

Yesterday wasn't very eventful. Vic stayed and talked with me for a little while longer. He was mostly catching me up on what I had forgotten.

We didn't talk about too much. Nothing important like before. After a few minutes he told me he had to go because he was supposed to meet some people at the library to do a science project.

Oliver came back a couple minutes later with our food.

It was pretty nice. We talked and joked around while we ate our food. I learned a lot about him.

I asked him simple questions.

Here what I found out:

He doesn't have a favorite color, but he likes purple. He has one sibling, a brother named Tom. Oliver wants to go to college for music. He wants to be in a band. It's his dream (which is ironic because I want the same thing).

He's a total sop when it comes to the person he loves (aka me) but he'll pretend he isn't.

Another thing I've noticed is that's he an arrogant fool, but in the good way. His cocky attitude just compliments him, and makes me like him more. He's sarcastic, and charming.

I like him. Quite a lot.

I didn't tell Oliver that Vic had come to visit me. For some reason, I felt like it might bother him. It's not like I have to tell him anyway. It's not important.

I didn't talk to him about what I remembered either. It's not like I didn't want to, I just never got the chance to bring it up. I'll ask him about it the next time I see him, which should be soon.

"Kellin?" Dr Williams voice snaps me out of my thoughts.

She pulls a chair in the corner over to my bed, and sits in it, crossing her legs.

"Huh?"

"I said that we can talk more, if you'd like?"

I nod. "Okay. About what? My memory?"

"Yes, actually. We think you've lost your memory due to the coma. You took a lot of pills, and you should be dead. It's a bit of a miracle that you survived. However we are certain that your memory will come back to you."

"But how long will it take for me to get it back?"

"It shouldn't be more than a few weeks. The pills you took had a huge effect on your body, but everything should resort back to normal."

I breathe a sigh of relief. "Thank God. I don't remember anything, but I really want it to all go back to normal. Losing your memory is very frustrating."

She laughs. "I'm sure it is. But you're lucky you have so many people here for you."

"Yeah," I agree, thinking of my family and friends. "I am pretty lucky."

"Okay, do you have anymore questions?"

"Wait." I say. "I actually did remember something. It wasn't anything big, it was just a conversation Oliver and I had."

She smiles. "That's good news. Your memory is coming back faster than we expected. Tell me if you remember anything else, alright?"

I nod in agreement.

"Any other questions?"

I think for a second. "When can I get out of here?"

"Well, now that you're awake we'd like to keep you here for a few days for evaluation."

"Oh." I say, disappointed. "Okay."

I'm disappointed and I can't help but show it. I want to get out of here so bad. I want to go home.

"Oh! I just remembered." She says, as she pulls a bottle filled to the top with pills out of her pocket. "I forgot to tell that we decided to start you out on some antidepressants."

She opens the bottle, and grabs two out with her fingers. She hands them to me, and I swallow them with the cup of water on the table beside me.

"We're starting you out on 40 milligrams. If this doesn't work, then we'll raise your dosage. If that doesn't work, we might put you on a different medication."

"Okay." I say.

I just really hope this medication works. I want to be happy for once in my life. I don't know how bad things were when I tried to commit suicide, but I know that seven months ago, they were pretty bad.

"I have one more question."

"What is it?" She asks patiently.

"Shouldn't I be in the pysch ward or something?"

She nods. "Yes, you probably should. However, since you went into a coma, we had to keep you here in the normal hospital. You were to be transferred to the psych ward once you woke up, but you lost your memory. Usually you'd have psychiatrists talking to you about your suicide attempt, amongst other stuff, but nothing can really be sorted out if you can't remember anything."

"So what happens when I remember?"

"Well, we'll release you within a week or so like I said. You'll be on suicide watch, and once your memory comes back you'll have scheduled appointments with one of our psychiatrists."

"Okay. I think that's all the questions I have."

"Well, I'll be back later to check on you."

I nod and give her a smile.

She leaves the room, and I'm left alone in this hospital room with way too much white. God, I really wish Oliver was here.

~

"Baby?"

My head snaps up from where it was directed towards the TV. I look over to the doorway, and see my mother standing there, the door sliding closed behind her.

"Momma?" I ask, surprised.

A tear slides down her face, and she runs over to me, wrapping me in her arms.

I lace my arms around her waist, and tuck my face into her neck, breathing in the familiar scent of her perfume.

"You're awake." She says softly once she's pulled away. "They called and told me two days ago. I wanted to come and see you immediately, but visiting hours were over. I planned on taking the day off work and coming to see you yesterday but my boss wouldn't let me take off."

"It's okay, ma. I understand." I tell her.

A few more tears fall from her eyes, making their way down her cheeks.

I've never seen her like this before. It's strange. I'm used to my mother being her silly, goofy self. I've always thought she was embarrassing. She loves me, I know that, but she's never been very affectionate. The only emotions I've seen her show are sad, happy, excited, and fangirl mode. All those emotions I listed above are usually expressed when she reads her gay fanfics.

My mother is unlike any other. And although she can be embarrassing, I love her very much.

"Don't cry. Please." I plead. "I hate seeing you crying."

"I'm sorry." She apologizes. "I'm not crying because I'm sad. I'm happy. I was so scared you wouldn't wake up."

I hug her again. It's so nice to be in her arms. Ever since I woke up, I'd been wondering where she was at. Everything is confusing in my life. There are so many things I can't remember. But my mom makes me feel better.

I admit it. I'm a total Momma's boy.

"I'm fine." I assure her. "I'm awake now. That's all that matters. My memory will come back soon, and hopefully everything will go back to normal."

She smiles at my words, and sits on the bed next to me. "I heard about your memory. Seven months, huh?"

"Yup. Seven months." I confirm. "I can't remember a thing."

"So you don't remember Oliver?"

"Nope." I say sadly.

"He's a great guy. I've met him only once, but he's good for you. He really loves you. I can tell."

"Me too. I can tell, too. I just wish I could remember. I know how I feel about him. It's weird. My stomach gets tied in knots whenever he's around. Yet at the same time, I've never been more comfortable with another person than I am with him. I don't love him. I mean, I barely know him. But I do like him. I can tell why I fell in love with him in the first place. Maybe when I get my memory back, I'll be able to love him back." I say, being completely honest.

My mother smiles fondly. "You're adorable. You've only been awake for three days, and you're already developing feelings for him."

I blush. "I don't develop feelings for people that quickly...I think the reason I feel this way about him is because I love him, you know? But I can't remember it, so it's like...I already have feelings for him? But they're not as intense? I don't know, it's confusing."

"It's not confusing. I get what you mean." My mother says understandingly.

"Can I just sort of rant to you? I have so many mixed emotions and you've always been easy to talk to; when you're not fangirling, that is."

Redness appears on her cheeks. "I can't help that I enjoy myself some gay fanfiction."

I roll my eyes with a laugh.

"But yes, you can tell me anything, you know that."

"Yesterday I remembered something. It wasn't anything big. It was just a conversation Oliver and I had. But all I know is that, it was intense. The words I said, how I felt, they were all so strong, and real."

My mother laughs lightly. "Well, I'd hope those feelings were real."

I glare at her. "You are no help."

"Sorry hun. I don't know what to tell you. It's obvious you've got some feelings for Oliver. I think the best thing you can do is wait, really. Until your memory comes back."

"What if it takes forever?" I complain.

My mother shrugs. "So what? Oliver isn't going anywhere."

"What if he is?" I ask, suddenly feeling overly vulnerable. "What if he doesn't want to wait for me?"

"He'll wait for you. He loves you, Kells. He's not going to move on that quickly." My mother says reassuringly.

"I don't know." I mumble, still doubtful.

"Why are you so worried about that?" My mother asks curiously.

"I don't know." I admit. "I don't know how I feel about him. Everything is all so confusing. I feel so much when I look at him. I feel things I've never felt before. I don't know why I'm so afraid he'll leave me. I can't remember him, but I know that imagining him with another person makes my chest ache awfully."

The thought of him with someone else makes me feel sick to my stomach.

My mother smiles softly. "It's funny how you've lost your memory, but your feelings for him still remain. He's not going to leave you, but you should kiss him."

I blush. "What? No! He already kissed me once."

My mother's eyebrows shoot up. "When?"

"When I first woke up. As much as I liked it, I'm not going to do it again. I'm too nervous." I tell her.

"You are too adorable." My mother gushes.

I give her an evil look.

"Okay," she sighs. "You want my advice?"

"Yes. I've been waiting." I say sassily.

"My advice is to quit worrying so much. You're always overthinking everything. Why don't you try to just live in the moment? You're so worried about how to feel about Oliver. Just wait until your memory comes back. Everything will sort itself out, you just have to be patient. Either that, or make a move. Figure out how you feel, but don't dwell on things that don't need to be dwelled on."

"Maybe you're right." I say weakly. "Maybe I should stop caring so much about how I feel about him. I think I'm going to just wait like you said. But I can't help but be impatient. I like to know things."

"I'm always right." My mother says jokingly.

I smile, but then a thought pops into my head.

"Ma?"

"Yes baby?"

"You said you tried to visit when you found out I was awake, right? But visiting hours were closed."

"Yes. I did." My mother agrees, seeming confused as to what I'm getting to.

"If visiting hours were over, how come Oliver was able to spend the night?"

My mother's eyebrows furrow together as she thinks, until finally her features smoothen out as she comes to realize something. "He must be very convincing."

"What do you mean?" I ask.

"Well," my mother says. "Everyone has to leave once visiting hours are over. My guess is that Oliver somehow convinced the staff to let him stay the night so he could be with you."

My chest fills with warmth, and my entire body tingles with happiness. "That's so sweet." I comment, unable to keep the fondness out of my voice.

"So." My mother says. "I still vote you kiss him."

"Ma! Really?"

"Yes, really. I'm not even sorry."

I grin. "Of course you aren't."

My mother smiles, and reaches out to hold my hand in hers. Her face has suddenly turned more somber. "You know I love you, right?" She asks seriously.

"Of course I do."

She sighs. "I wish you felt like you could have talked to me about your problems. About your depression, the suicidal thoughts, and the self harm."

Though I can't recall my suicide attempt, I know why I didn't tell her, why I never planned to.

"I didn't want to put such a big burden on you."

"Nothing you could ever do or say would be a burden. I love you." She says, her voice choked. Tears spring her eyes, but she continues. "You're my baby boy. You can come to me for anything. I know I can be immature sometimes, well, a lot of the time, but I will always be here for you, and help you in any way I possibly can. Don't ever feel like you have to hide things from me. I'll support you no matter what."

"Okay." I say emotionally. I can't help the tears that rise up in my eyes at her words. "Okay. I won't hide anything from you. I know that you're here for me, but it's hard sometimes. To tell anyone. It's not just you. It's not something I like to talk about, you know?"

"I know." My mother says, nodding in understanding. "But you know, sometimes it's better to talk about things."

"Yeah," I agree. "Maybe it is. I'll have to try it sometime."

"You better. And I'll understand. I have depression of my own. I mean, that's why I'm on medication for it. It truly does help. Although I don't think it was ever as bad as yours, it was pretty horrible. I had suicidal thoughts, I just never went through with it."

"Why didn't you ever tell me? About your depression?"

My mother shrugs. "I never really thought to. I mean, it wasn't a huge deal. Though, maybe if I had, you would have felt like you could come and talk to me about your problems."

"Hey." I say strictly. I could hear it in her voice that she was beginning to blame herself for my mistakes. "Don't do that."

"Don't do what?"

"Blame yourself. Don't blame yourself. It's not your fault. I'm fucked up, Ma. Nothing you could have said or done would have changed anything."

"That's not true. If I knew, I could have taken you to the doctor. I could have helped you. I could have prevented all this. I could have saved you all this pain." She says, sadness laced throughout her voice as she looks at me.

"Ma. Quit that. It is not your fault, okay? What happened, it happened. There is nothing we can do to change it. Remember what you told me? 'Don't dwell on things that don't need to be dwelled on.' If you want to do good for me, then take your own advice, because I can't stand to see you like this, feeling guilty for something that had nothing to do with you."

I can't help but lecture her. My mother is the best person I know, and I hate to see her feeling so guilty. I wish there was some way to make her believe that she couldn't have changed anything.

I never believed this before, but I think I do now. 'Everything happens for a reason.'

She gives me a half hearted smile. "I'm sorry baby. I just hate knowing that there was nothing I could do to help you."

"I know. But please don't blame yourself."

"I'll try not to." She promises.

"Good."


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

After my mother leaves the hospital I can't help but wait in anticipation for Oliver to arrive.

He visits me everyday, and although it's only been like three days, I've become accustomed to it.

But, today Oliver doesn't come.

I have no clue why. Is it weird that I miss him even though I saw him the day before?

Ugh.

I wish I had my phone. I assume I have his number, and if I can't see him in person, it'd be nice to text or call him.

Being in a hospital is boring. There's nothing to do, and no one to talk to, unless you count nurses and doctors. But you can't hold a real conversation with them anyway.

The day passes on way too slow for my liking. By the time it's nine o clock at night, I'm exhausted.

Ever since I woke up, I've been completely exhausted, no matter how much sleep I get.

When I close my eyes, I fall into a deep slumber within minutes.

~

We're standing in the hallways of school, located right beside my locker.

"You look cute." Oliver comments, gazing me up and down.

If anything, he looks cute. Then again, when does he not look hot as hell?

I blush as his eyes scan over my body. "How do I look cute? I'm only wearing a hoodie and jeans."

"Yes, but you're wearing my hoodie. It makes you look tiny."

I glare at him, though there's no malice behind it. "I'm not cute nor tiny. I am manly and tough, excuse you."

What a lie. Everyone knows I'm the farthest thing from tough or manly.

Oliver laughs.

Before I know what's going on, Oliver's arms are wrapping around me, and I'm going up, up, up. Next thing I know I'm lifted up into the air, and Oliver is holding me bridal style.

I blush a crimson red at the close proximity between us. I ignore the weird looks fellow classmates are giving us, and squirm in Oliver's hold.

"Let me go." I whine, struggling to free myself form his grasp.

Though, if I'm being honest, I don't really mind being held by him. It's nice.

Oliver smirks devilishly at me. "Still not tiny?"

"Nope." I say, refusing to give up.

"Really?" Oliver asks.

Then, all of sudden I've been thrown over his shoulder, and everything is upside down.

"Let me down." I complain once again.

I slap his ass to enforce my point. (That's a lie. I totally just wanted to touch his ass.)

Oliver laughs. "That wasn't a good idea."

"Why not?"

"Because right now, you're completely defenseless. Which means I can do this "

Oliver pinches my ass.

"Ow! Let me goooo!"

"Never."

"Fine! Fine, I'm tiny." I admit with shame.

Oliver lets me down.

I glare at him. "You asshole."

He only smiles charmingly. "It's okay. There's no shame in being tiny."

"Not for you."

Oliver wraps his arm around my waist, tugging me closer. "Well, I like you how you are, Kells. You're perfect no matter what."

A blush creeps onto my face, and I curse the effect he has on me.

The stupid sappy things he says only result in making me like him more and more. I'm in way too deep.

~

I wake up, and my eyes snap open.

The first thing that comes to mind is the dream I had.

That was a dream, right?

I don't know whether it was a dream or a memory.

To be honest, I hope it was a memory. That would mean I'm remembering quickly.

It felt like a memory.

It felt so real.

Even though I'm now awake, I have this familiar fondness growing in my chest as I think about him, Oliver.

I stretch, and yawn. I reach for the remote on the table beside me, and flip the channel to SpongeBob SquarePants. I'm a kid at heart, really.

I'm taking my mother's advice. I'm not going to overthink anything at all. Whatever happens, happens.

I watch a marathon of SpongeBob for around an hour, when a nurse walks into my room.

"Hello." She greets. "You have a visitor. Would you like me to send them in?"

"Sure." I agree.

I can't help but hope it's Oliver.

She walks out of the room and a few minutes later, the door to my room opens and Oliver walks in.

My heart jumps in my chest when I see him.

He comes over and sits on the side of my bed.

"Hey." He says with a smile

"Hi." I say, shifting in the bed so I'm completely facing him.

My legs crossed, and arms folded together in my lap, I can't help but ask. "Why weren't you here yesterday?"

Ugh, am I being too clingy?

"My family forced me to spend the day with them." Oliver explains. "They said they missed me, since I've been spending all my time here with you."

Guilt floods through me.

"You don't have to come visit me everyday if you don't want to. I mean, you have to put your family first, right?"

Oliver frowns. "I want to see you everyday. Honestly, seeing you is the highlight of my day."

I smile at his words, but continue. "But you can't neglect your family because of me."

Oliver shakes his head, disagreeing with what I'm saying. "I'm not neglecting them. At least, not intentionally. I love my family, and this might be weird, but I love you too. You're in the hospital right now. No member of my family is. So for right now, I'm going to put you first."

There's a part of me that wants to say' I love you too', but I hold it back. I think I do love him, even though I've only known him for days. I have these feelings, feelings that come from knowing someone for a long time. And I guess I have known him for a long time.

But I'm not going to tell him I love him until I'm absolutely, positively certain I mean it.

So instead of saying I love you, I say,

"Thank you."

"For what?"

"For putting me first. For staying by my side through all this shit going on. It really shows me how much you care."

He takes my hand in his, grasping it tightly. I hold his hand just as tight. "I'll always put you first. You better get used to it, because I'm not going anywhere."

God, what did I ever do to deserve someone as amazing as Oliver Sykes?

I look at him for quite a while, admiring his features in awe. He has such pretty eyes, and his lips are so pink and full, I just want to kiss him....

Oliver clears his throat, and I realize I've been staring at his lips for too long to be normal.

I avert my eyes, looking down at my lap, and attempting to hide the redness tinting my face.

"See something you like?" He asks, his eyes sparkling with amusement.

"Maybe..." I admit softly.

I don't really know what I'm doing. Going with the flow, I guess. We'll see how things turn out.

Oliver eyes widen the tiniest bit. "Yeah? And what might that be?"

"Everything." I say truthfully.

"You've got to be more specific." Oliver says teasingly.

"Your eyes, and your hair, and your everything, really. But especially...your lips."

Oliver inches closer to me on the bed, our hands still connected.

"What about them? What about my lips?" He asks, and Jesus Christ the way he says it is so seductive I want to drown myself in a tub of holy water.

I push all the embarrassment threatening to overwhelm me to the back of my mind. Why be embarrassed about how I feel, right?

"They're so plush and I..." I gulp. "I really want you to kiss me."

Oliver smiles, leaning in until his face is hovering above mine. I take note of the facial hair beginning to grow above his top lip. It's funny how he looks so good no matter what.

His hand leaves mine to caress the side of my face, and I shiver at the feeling.

"You know," he whispers. "All you had to do was ask."

Then his lips are pressed against mine, and I swear to God, kissing him is absolute bliss.

I haven't kissed many people. I have literally no experience in kissing. But I'm pretty sure Oliver is a damn good kisser.

I grip his neck with my hand, pulling him closer to me. He kisses me softly, our lips moving together in a rhythmic yet passionate kiss.

I could stay like this forever.

Oliver places his hand on the small of my back as he deepens the kiss.

We kiss and kiss, until the need for air is absolutely necessary.

Only then do we pull away.

By the time we've separated, I'm breathless, my face flushed.

"I like the effect I have on you." Oliver says with a cocky grin.

I scoff, and gesture down at his crotch. "The effect you have on me? I'm not the one with a boner from just a little kissing."

Oliver pouts, and damn, he looks absolutely adorable. "Heyyyy," he whines. "I can't help it. I missed you."

"More like missed kissing me." I correct.

"Both." He says. "But kissing you is one of my favorite things to do."

"Well, I don't have much experience with kissing you, at least not that I can remember. But I've gotta say that so far, I really like kissing you, too." I admit.

"Obviously. Nobody can resist me." Oliver says dramatically, with a playful glint in his eyes.

"Wanna bet?"

"Depends. What's the bet?"

"That I can resist you."

Oliver shakes his head immediately. "Nope. No. Not doing that bet."

"What?" I taunt. "Scared that I'll win? That I'll be able to resist you?"

"Nah. It's not that." He denies.

"Then what is it?"

"Well, you might be able to resist me." Oliver says, "But I can't resist you."

God, he's so damn sweet and yet incredible cheesy. I can tell he cares about me so much it's unbelievable.

"You're too sweet." I tell him, with a soft smile.

"Only for you." Oliver says deeply, looking me directly in the eyes.

I can't help myself from leaning in to capture his lips with my own once again.

I could get used to this, to kissing him so frequently.

This kiss is short, soft and sweet. Is it weird that with each movement of his lips against mine, I can feel the love he has for me?

We pull away shortly afterwards.

Oliver gives me a small smile. "This is odd. Odd, but I like it."

"What's so odd about it?" I question.

Oliver lifts a shoulder in a half hearted shrug. "You're being really loving with me, you know? All this kissing. You only woke up what, four days ago? I'm practically a stranger, and here you are, kissing me."

"Do you not want me to kiss you?" I ask, slightly self conscious.

"No! It's not that!" He denies instantaneously. "I mean, seriously Kellin? Did you really just ask that?"

"Yes?" I say, but it comes out sounding more like a question.

Oliver lets out a laugh of disbelief. "Obviously you haven't realized how much you mean to me yet. However unhealthy this might sound, I love you more than life itself."

I gape at him. I know he says a lot of sweet things, but I still can't seem to get used to it. The fact that someone like him, so wonderful and great, could love me, is shocking.

Once I've gotten over the initial shock of his words, I can't help the smile that blossoms on my face.

"Really?"

He smiles back at me. "Of course. All I meant before, is that it's odd that you're kissing me like this. I don't mind though. I really don't mind. It's just....I'm a little worried that you might be trying to force yourself to have feelings for me?"

I frown, and grab his hand, intertwining our fingers. I love how his hand feels in mine. Perfect. His hand fits perfectly in mine.

"I wouldn't do that." I tell him. "I wouldn't force myself to feel something I couldn't. Oliver, I have feelings for you. They're pretty deep, honestly. I don't know why I feel like this about you; it's all happened so fast. But I like you. I like you a lot."

"Really? You really like me?" He asks, carrying worry in his voice, and could it be...vulnerability(?).

"I do." I confirm. "Of course I do, you idiot. My mom gave me some advice and now I'm following it."

"What was her advice?" Oliver asks curiously.

"To not think so much. I'm sure you already know this, but I have a bad habit of overthinking everything, including how I feel for people. Especially you. And my mother's advice was to not think so much, and to go with the flow."

"And how's that working out for you?"

"Pretty great. I mean, I got to kiss you, didn't I?"

Oliver nods. "Yes, you did. Any chance you might want to do it again?"

"Of course."

I grin, and pull him down until our lips meet.


	6. Chapter 6

A WEEK & A HALF LATER

Monday, is the day I am released from the hospital.

The doctors did talk to me. They asked me a lot of questions, such as 'do you still want to die?'

If I answered with no, they would think I was lying. If I said yes, they would probably keep me in their care for longer. So I went with the truthfully answer, which was, 'I might. I don't really know at this point.'

After that they asked me tons of other questions, such as 'are there any problems at school?', and 'are there any problems at home?'

The answer to both of those questions was, obviously, no. I told them there wasn't any specific cause that I knew of. I was just very sad, and it was something I'd dealt with for most of my life.

In the end, they decided I was stable enough to release, although I was scheduled to meet with a psychiatrist once a week.

They asked about the antidepressants I've been taking. They said that they could take up to a month to work, but nonetheless asked if I had noticed any positive change since I'd been put on them.

The truth is, yes. I don't have nearly as many suicidal thoughts as I did. They're still there, lurking, but they've begun to fade more and more with each day. I hope that one day they'll fade away completely.

But, the truth is also, no. Well, although I seem to be getting better, I still have the horrible ache to cut myself. It's an addiction, is what it is. I'm addicted to the temporary relief it gives me. Since I've been in the hospital, I haven't had the chance to find a sharp object to hurt myself with. I just hope now that I'm getting out, I'll be able to resist temptation.

In the week before I was released from the hospital's care, nothing eventful or of importance happens.

Oliver visited me a lot. We talked about random things and hung out. He told me stuff about him I didn't know. It's like I'm getting to know him all over again.

I guess that's exactly what I'm doing. I like him way more than I did a week ago. It's weird how feelings can strengthen in such little time.

He's so sweet. For the rest of the week, we talked about everything. He told me about how we fell in love. I already knew we met on a cliff where I attempted suicide, but he went more in depth. He also told me other things about us and our relationship. I wish I could remember it. It sounded so amazing. Speaking of memories, I still haven't gotten the chance to talk to him about what I think I remembered. I mean, I had the chance. I just didn't take it. Nerves, I guess. What if those weren't memories? What if I've remembered nothing? That's what I'm scared of.

We haven't kissed again since that day, for whatever reason. I wanted to, but Oliver didn't. It made me a little upset, but it's whatever. I guess I like kissing him because it makes me feel so close to him. Maybe it's too early to be saying this, but I think I might be falling in love with him again.

But like my mother advised me, I'm not going to waste my time dwelling on it. I'll just go with what feels right.

Anyways Vic visited me quite a bit too. He told me about everything I've forgotten. Mostly he caught me up on school drama. (I'm a sucker for drama). It's nice to be able to hangout with my best friend so casually again. Apparently we'd been hanging out out like this before the whole attempted suicide.

However, since I can't remember any of that, this is all new to me.

Life is pretty good since I decided to take my mother's advice. Thinking about things can be necessary and important. I know that. But over thinking can result in making things more complicated than they need to be.

Anyway, it's Monday.

12 PM.

Mom signs all the release forms, which unfortunately takes quite a while. Once she's done, I'm able to change into the clothes she brought for me in the bathroom. The outfit is a pair of ripped grey skinny jeans, a Blink-182 t-shirt, and my favorite pair of black Vans. God bless my mother for knowing exactly what I like.

It feels so good to be in normal clothes, instead of the baggy hospital gowns. They were beginning to get on my nerves.

I hop in the car as soon as I see it, snap my seatbelt on, and wait until my mother does the same. Then we're on our way home.

Our house is thirty minutes away from the hospital. The drive home feels long and drawn out.

Mom and I talk to fill the silence.

She turns the radio down, not completely, but just enough that the music doesn't drown out her voice.

"So, how are you feeling, Kells?" She asks in her usual chipper tone.

"I'm okay. Tired. Then again, I always feel tired nowadays." I say with a short laugh. "Other than that, pretty normal I guess. I'm excited to get back home. Hospitals suck ass."

She chuckles. "Yes they do. I'm glad you're coming home, too. I missed you. It'll be nice to have you in the house again. It was pretty lonely considering I'm used to you always being there."

"Aww." I coo. "I should have known you wouldn't be able to survive without me there."

She rolls her eyes. "I survived just fine. It was just different, you know? You're my baby. I don't know what I'll do when you go off to college in a few months."

"Have another kid?" I suggest jokingly.

She puts on a contemplative expression. "Hmm, maybe."

I look at her, shocked. "What? No! I wasn't serious."

She glances at me, and gives me playful wink. "You gave me the idea."

"You're too old for another kid."

"Hey!" She says, offended. "I'm only thirty-eight."

"Exactly my point. You're too old."

She glares at me. "Just you wait until you're my age, and your kids call you old."

You know, that's pretty weird to think about. I've never thought of myself living to that age.

If I had kids, who would it be with?

The first person who comes to mind is Oliver.

Suddenly, I feel dizzy as something comes back to me.

"I- Is it bad that I want to spend the rest of my life with you?" Oliver asks nervously.

My heart flutters at his words. For some reason, this seems like a confirmation that yes, he really does love me just as much as I love him.

"No. It's not." I say. "Because I feel the same way. I wanna spend my life with you too."

A beautiful smile appears on Oliver's face. "I'm not going to do it right now, but I think someday I'd really like to marry you."

I smile, too, and play with his hair. "That sounds good. More than good. Great. What do you think of children?"

"Love them. I want three. A girl, and two boys. Though to be honest, it doesn't really matter. I'll love them no matter what."

"That's funny." I say.

"Why's that?" Oliver asks, seeming confused.

"I've always wanted a girl and two boys too."

"Then I guess we really must be perfect for each other." Oliver whispers.

And I've never agreed more.

"I love you." I tell him, the words tumbling out of my mouth without a second thought.

"I love you too." He says. "More than you will ever know."

"Fuck." I murmur to myself.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

That was a memory. It had to be.

I could feel it.

I can remember it. I can remember looking at him with an uncontainable adoring smile. I can remember thinking of our future together. I wanted it so badly, but I also wanted to die. I couldn't have both. I remember being so torn between the two. I don't remember everything, but I remember this.

This memory came back more vivid than all the rest, and I don't know why.

I remember thinking that if there was such a thing as soulmates, then he surely had to be mine.

I remember how I loved him.

No. Not loved.

Love.

I feel it there deep in my chest, dying to come back out. I love him, I do. I just need to remember it.

"Kellin?" Mom asks, her voice filled with concern. "Are you okay? What happened?"

It's only then that I realized I completely zoned out on her, and presumably scared the hell out of her.

"I'm fine! I just- I remembered something." I admit.

She looks at me for as long as she can while driving, her eyes wide. "You did? What was it?"

"Oliver. We were-" I cut off, blushing. "We were talking about our future together. Marriage, kids."

Mom raises an eyebrow in surprise. "You were that serious? I didn't know it was like that."

"Neither did I. But it is. It is like that. I didn't know until now."

"Do you still want that? A future with him?"

I don't hesitate. "Yes, yes I do. I don't know him well, but. He makes me feel so whole, if that makes any sense?"

Mom smiles. "It makes sense, trust me. You like him a lot. It's normal."

"I need to talk to him. About what I remembered." I say.

Mom takes one hand off the steering wheel to dig around in her purse. Eventually, she pulls her hand out, revealing my cell phone. 

She hands it to me. "I didn't plan on giving it back to you for a while, until I was absolutely sure you were getting better. I didn't think you needed any distractions. Then again, I think it's best you have it. I trust you, and besides, I can't cut off all your connections to the outside world."

"Thank you," I say sincerely.

I take the phone from her hand, and press the ON button. The screen flashes on, revealing that I need a password to unlock it.

I enter the last password I remember, which is ViccyPoo (Vic made it, not me.).

A bubble message appears, telling me the password is incorrect.

I think about what it could be.

Something to do with Oliver, maybe?

I enter Oliver.

Once again, I'm informed the password is wrong. I continue to try, entering things associated with Oliver.

Finally, an idea pops in my head.

I enter Soulmate.

My phone unlocks, opening up to the homescreen. 

Wow, how ironic. I should have known it would be soulmate.

I study my homescreen. It's a picture of Oliver and I in what looks like the middle of a concert. His arm is wrapped tightly around my waist, my cheeks are flushed, and I look happy. I'm smiling into the camera, but his gaze is directed elsewhere. He's looking at me, a grin on his face, and a softness to his eyes, while I am oblivious to the way he looks at me.

Looking at the picture makes my chest tighten. I want to feel that again.

I push the urge to cry away, and click through my contacts until I reach one entitled Oliver, my love <3.

I click on it.

The first thing I see are two texts, presumably our last conversation.

Me: I love you so fucking much. You know that, right? Forever. I always will.

Oliver: Love you too babe. More than you'll ever know. I love you too, so so much my darling. Always.

As I read them, I am once again overcome with dizziness as memories flash through my mind.

I smile.

It's a sad smile.

A smile full of sadness, of fear of how Oliver will react when he finds out I'm gone. Dead.

He'll be okay. He has to be.

Maybe it's weird how just a week ago I was happier than ever, how I felt so content with life.

But the thing is, one moment I can be happy. I can feel like everything is going to be alright. But the next, I realize how imperfect everything is, especially me. And then I dwell, I dwell on all the bad things in life, and suddenly life doesn't seem as appetizing as it once did. 

Oliver, Vic, my mother, they mean the world to me. But when I'm in this state, lost in all the horrible things that are wrong with this world, and myself, I can't seem to care that I'm leaving them behind.

I mean, I do. I feel bad about leaving them. I know the pain it will cause them.

But in the end, does it really even matter?

Everyone moves on eventually. Just like a break up, you forget and you go on with your life, and death is no exception.

So I know that they will too. They'll feel like nothing will ever be okay again, but it will.

And I am tired.

I am tired of feeling this way.

The people I love make me feel joy. But all that joy I feel disappears soon after. It never stays. It never lasts.

But you know what does stay? What haunts my every move, my every thought?

Depression.

The sadness, the pain.

I don't want to feel pain like this anymore. If not for Oliver, I would have done this long ago.

The truth is, living has become a chore, and I struggle to make it through each day without slitting my wrists.

I grab the blade off of my nightstand, and sit up.

My plan?

I'm not sure.

To bleed out maybe.

I slide the blade across the fragile skin of my wrist. I let out a hiss of pain as my skin splits opens.

Blood seeps up to the surface, and I admire it.

I create more and more until I start to feel dizzy.

I grab for the pills I have ready to take.

I hold the many pills in my hand, and gulp them down with numerous amounts of water.

How many did I take?

70 antidepressants, and 20 sleeping pills.

Is that a lot? Definitely.

Will it kill me? Hopefully.

Tears spring to my eyes as the memory fades away.

Suddenly I'm not there, standing in my room, blade in hand. No, I'm in the car and out of the corner of my eye, I can see my mother casting worried glances at me.

But fuck, I can remember that night so clearly now. I remember the fear.

Was I really going to do this? I kept asking myself.

I was so scared to go through with it. My heart was racing in my chest, and I felt like I was on the verge of throwing up. But then I pushed it all away. I pushed away the fear, and then...I was calm. I was ready.

I can remember all of that.

I remember the sting as the blade slid across my delicate skin. I can remember the churning of my stomach, how I felt like I was being pulled apart. It was worse than any stomach ache I've ever experienced.

I remember it. I remember the dizziness, the thoughts running through my head, the peacefulness, all before everything went black.

I remember it.

Jesus Christ.

I sniffle, and wipe my teary eyes with my hand.

I compose myself. I'm still shaken up from recalling all of that. It was like I was reliving it all over again.

I decide to text Oliver once I've straightened up, and am no longer so emotional.

Me: Oil?

Me: fuck, I meant to say Oli. Not oil damn autocorrect.

A few seconds later my phone dings with notification of a text.

Oliver: Kellin??? How did you get your phone back?

Me: I was released from the hospital today. I'm on my way home right now. My mom gave it back to me. I was wondering if you could come over?

Oliver: You're out? Finally. Yeah, I guess I could come over later. I'm in school right now.

Me: Shit. Go back to learning, ignore me. I forgot you still have school even though I don't ._.

Oliver: Too late for that. School is boring as hell. I'd rather talk to you.

Me: Bad oil.

Oliver: oil???

Me: goddamn it. Autocorrect doesn't like your name.

Oliver: Hi I'm Oil Sykes I'm slippery

Me: What even

Oliver: Shhh you used to be in love with Oil. Embrace the power of Oil.

Me: Haha you're so weird. And used to be? What are you talking about? c:

What?

Did I really just say that?

Guess I did.

What the hell?

Oliver: Do you...feel that way again?

Me: I don't know...maybe.

Me: You know what? Ignore what I said.

Oliver: Why? It's a little too late for that.

Me: Because I'm scared. I only woke up barely three weeks ago, and I like you so much. It's only getting stronger every day. I've never felt this way. In fact, I'm not sure what exactly I feel for you. But it scares me how intense it keeps getting.

Oliver: What happened to going with the flow?

Me: I'm trying. It's just some things are hard to not over think.

Oliver: I understand. But Kells, you know that even if you're not sure of your feelings for me, that's okay. You might not know how you feel about me, but I know how I feel about you. I love you. No matter your feelings, I'm staying right here. If you don't love me quite yet, that's fine. I'm going to be here, until hopefully, you do.

Me: Jesus Christ, I love you. Well, not literally. Not yet. But I do like you a whole lot. You always make me feel so much better about myself.

Oliver: that's what I'm here for.

Me: to make me feel good about myself?

Oliver: Well, yeah. That, and to love you.

Me: thank you...

Oliver: No problem. So, you want me to come over when school is over?

Me: Yes, please. Speaking of school, get back to it!

Oliver: Yes mom.

Me: that's Daddy to you.

Oliver: huh, deja vu much.

Me: What do you mean?

Oliver: nothing. It's just that you've said that before. You seem to have a daddy kink ;)

Me: shut up and get back to work.

Oliver: Hey, don't order me around or I might have to punish you.

Me: -_-

Oliver: you're totally blushing right now, aren't you?

Me: No....

Me: Maybe...

Oliver: (: My job here is done. Bye babe. I'll see you later.

Me: See you.


	7. Chapter 7

MONDAY CONTINUATION

After what seems like forever, my mother and I finally arrive at the house.

I'm insanely eager to get inside. I can't wait to see my room. I wonder if anything has changed. Mostly I'm just looking forward to my bed. Hospital beds suck ass, and I've missed my own comfy one.

As soon as we pull into the driveway, I'm jumping out of the car and running to the door. I enter the house, race up the stairs and open the door to my bedroom.

It looks the same. Yet different at the same time.

Clothes are messily lying across the floor, my bed is unmade, and the curtains are drawn.

I'm casually inspecting my bedroom when once again, for what must be the hundredth time, my head begins to ache.

I feel Oliver's hand run through my hair, almost like he's petting me. It's soothing, though, and he keeps doing it. It makes me start to doze off again.

"Kellin. You need to wake up, we've got school." Oliver whispers.

Finally, I lift my head up, and blurrily blink until my sight is clear.

"You sound like my mother." I tell him.

He smiles. "Well get up, and I'll shut up."

"Whyyyyy?" I ask, dragging the word out. "You're supposed to be that mysterious bad boy who doesn't give a shit about school so let me sleep."

Oliver chuckles. "Well, you're supposed to be a goody two shoes who loves school, so get your lazy ass up."

I poke him in the eye, just because.   
"Ow! You asshole!" He yelps, jumping back. "What was that for?!"

"No reason. You just have a very pokable eye." I tell him. "Oh, and the fact that you won't let me sleep. I am never having a sleepover with you again."

Oliver rubs his eye, and before I can even blink, he's jumping up from his spot on the bed and is now currently laying on top of me.

I attempt to shove him off.

"You idiot!" I yell through laughter. "Get your fat ass off me, I can't breathe."

I fake wheeze for emphasis.

He ignores me.

"Fat ass? Says the one with a bubble butt." He then squeezes my butt to prove his point.

I squeal, and roll around, finally succeeding in getting him off of me. He falls on the ground with a thud.

I crawl back under the covers, and close my eyes.

"Ow." I hear him moan from the floor.

Next thing I know, two hands are grabbing me by the legs and dragging me off the bed.

Oliver, sweet as always (note the sarcasm), drops me on the floor.

"Fuckkkkk." I groan. "Okay, fine. I'm up."

"Finally."

I groan again exaggeratedly. "Why must you drag me to hell? By hell, I mean school."

"Because, you are a good student, a perfect student. And that's not a bad thing on you. So I'm not going to let you corrupt yourself."

"What if I want to be corrupted by you?" I ask, only realizing how wrong and sexually that sounds once the words are out of my mouth.

Haha who am I kidding? I said that on purpose.

Luckily the blush that makes it's way onto my face is unseen due to the fact that my face is still buried in the ground.

I can practically see the smirk on Oliver's face when he says, "Oh, baby all you had to do was ask."

This boy will be the death of me.

~

That, among many other memories, come floating back to me.

There are so many of them. So many memories of Oliver and I in here, in my bedroom, watching movies, kissing, talking.

In an instant, they all come back to me. They leave me breathless. Who knew remembering could take such a toll on a person?

I feel more whole. If that even makes sense. I feel like a piece of the missing puzzle that is my memory loss has come back. Which I guess technically it has.

I brush my hair out of my face, and grab my phone out of my pocket to send a text.

Me: I remember so much.

Oliver: You do? That's great! What do you remember?

Me: I'll tell you later.

I slip my phone back into the pocket of my ripped skinny jeans, and sigh. I flop down on my bed. I lay on my back, and close my eyes, beginning to get lost in my thoughts. As usual.

I don't even realize it, but sleep begins to over take me. The exhaustion of the past few weeks catches up to me, and within minutes, I am out like a light.

I dream of Oliver's hazel eyes.

~

"Kellin?" A voice speaks.

There is someone softly shaking ny shoulder.

I groan, and roll away from their touch. I'm not in the mood to be awakened, not when I'm having such a great dream.

"Leave me alone." I mumble, burying my face in my pillow. "I'm having a good dream."

"About what?" The person questions.

"Oli..." I answer quietly, already beginning to drift back asleep.

An amused chuckle brings me back to reality. "Why dream about me when I'm right here?"

My eyes snap open, and I lift my head, only to find myself staring Oliver directly in the eyes. Whom happens to be sitting a few inches away from me on the bed.

"It's nice to know you dream of me." He says with a teasing grin.

I groan, hiding my face in my hands. How embarrassing.

Once the blush has faded from my face, I roll over, sitting up and crossing my legs in front of me.

I look at the alarm clock on my nightstand to see that it is 3:23 PM. I really slept for that long?

"Your mom let me in, so." He says. "What did you want to talk about?"

"Many things."

"Meaning?"

"Well, I remembered stuff. A lot of stuff."

"Like what?"

"Things about you." I pause. "I remembered things like that time you forced me to get out of bed."

Oliver grins. "Fun times. I miss that."

"Maybe we'll get it back soon." I say hopefully. "I also remembered something else."

"What is it?" He asks curiously.

"I remembered the night I tried to kill myself." I tell him.

His eyes widen. "What happened?"

"I remember sending a text to you." I blush. "About how much I loved you. After that, I grabbed my razor. I cut pretty deep. All I kept thinking about was how my death wouldn't matter eventually. The last thing I did was swallow a shitload of pills. Then I blacked out."

Oliver nods along as I talk. "Was there a specific reason? Or did you just finally decide to do it?"

"There wasn't a specific reason that I can remember. I was really happy with you. I hope you know that. It wasn't anything you'd done, or anyone, really. I was just finally at my breaking point."

"I know there was nothing I could have done." Oliver says softly. "But I still wish there was some way I could have gotten you the help you needed."

"Oliver, it's okay now. What happened, happened. I'm okay now. I'm alive. So let's focus on that."

"Alright. You know, I don't think you understand how glad I am that you're awake. Those weeks when you were in a coma were horrible."

"I'll bet they were." I agree. "How- how did you find out that I had tried to kill myself?"

"Vic. Your mom didn't know how to contact me, so she told him to tell me somehow. He did."

"W-what was it like? When you found out?" I ask hesitantly.

Did it leave an impact? I wonder. Was he horrified?

Oliver runs his hand through his hair, and scoots up more on the bed so that we're sitting side by side, our legs brushing against one another with each movement.

"It was horrible. Vic told me, and I broke down. I don't cry- at least rarely- but when I found out that there was a chance you could die, I'd never cried harder in my life. I was so scared." Oliver explains.

Throughout his explanation, he begins to get emotional. Tears well up in his eyes, and his voice tightens with pain.

I can't help but to grab his hand, holding it in mine. I give it a squeeze of reassurance that I'm here. Right by his side.

God, I hate to see him cry.

"I'm sorry." I apologize. "I'm sorry I put you through so much."

"Don't be." Oliver says strictly. "I knew you were miserable. I could see it in your eyes. I knew you were happy when we were together. But every so often, I'd see you falter, and you'd become quiet as you got lost in your thoughts. I knew you weren't okay. But I hoped you would be. I kept hoping you would get better. That was stupid of me. I should have known that you wouldn't, and couldn't, just magically heal."

"I wish I could." I say truthfully. "I think things would be so much easier if I could. But it's not like you knew that. You just wanted me to be happy."

"Actually, I did know that I couldn't just fix you." Oliver corrects.

"What do you mean?" I ask, confused.

"I've been through depression, and suicide attempts. I knew they weren't something that could just go away."

"Wait. You've been suicidal?" I ask, unable to keep the shock out of my voice.

Oliver chuckles at the bewildered expression on my face. "Yes. I have. Obviously you don't remember, but I told you about it the first time we met on the cliff. A few years back, I was really messed up. I was horribly mixed up with drugs. I was barely hanging on. I felt so empty. Finally I tried to drown myself in the bathtub. It was after that I realized I needed to get myself help. And I did."

"You're so strong." I say in awe.

Oliver is everything I want to be. I want to be strong like that. I want to push through this mess. I want to overcome all of this. I want to get better.

Oliver shakes his head, and his grip on my hand tightening. I forgot we were holding hands.

"You can be strong too, Kells. In fact, you already are. I never should have expected you to be able to get better so quickly and with no help. I, of all people, know how hard it can be to get better. But you can do it. It's hard, but I have faith in you. You're strong."

A sappy smile takes over my face and refuses to leave. "Thank you so much. You're always here when I've begun to doubt myself. You reassure me that things will be okay. I need that so badly. I'm so glad you're here."

"I'll always be here." Oliver promises.

"I sure hope so."

"Don't hope. Believe."

"That's quite hard. Who's to say you won't eventually tire of me and leave?" I counter.

"You're so insecure it's ridiculous." Oliver comments.

I frown. "I'm not insecure. Well, not right now. I'm just being...logical."

"I don't know how many times I'll have to say this until you believe it, but I'm going nowhere."

"I might never believe it." I admit.

"That's okay. I'll just continue to tell you it everyday. Forever, if that's what it takes."

"Why?" I ask. "Why would you do that forever? Reassure me of something I might never believe? Is it really worth it?"

"Kellin." Oliver says softly. "You will always be worth it."

A half hearted smile graces my lips. "I don't deserve you."

"Yes, you do." Oliver says. "And besides, I don't think this is about who desevees who."

"Then what's it about?"

"Nothing."

We don't talk for a while after that. Instead, we sit in a comfortable silence.

I can feel someone looking at me, so I turn my head to stare back at Oliver.

"What are you thinking about?" I ask.

Oliver shrugs. "How much I love you."

For a second, the words 'I love you too' almost slip out of my mouth. I hold them in.

I'm not ready to say that. But when he tells me he loves me, it's almost as if it's automatically programmed into my head to say it back.

"You're cheesy." I tell him instead

"You love me." He retorts.

I might. Soon.

"Don't be so sure of yourself." I say with a laugh.

Oliver smiles. "Okay."

"Okay? I expected some sassy response."

"I'm too tired to be sassy." He tells me.

As if on cue, a yawn escapes his mouth. I can't help but to think he looks absolutely adorable. Like a kitten.

Damn, I'm so gone for him.

"Why are you tired?" I ask.

"I didn't get much sleep last night. I guess I had a lot on my mind."

"Such as?"

"You." He answers simply.

"What about me?"

"Nothing much. I was just thinking about us. About our relationship."

"Is that a bad thing?" I ask cautiously.

"No." He denies quickly. "I was reminiscing, I guess. For once, I was the one to get lost in my thoughts."

"Well, you and me both. I'm exhausted." I tell him.

"Says the person who was sleeping when I walked in the door." Oliver teases.

"Hey! I was only sleeping for a few hours." I defend. "And besides, I just got out of the hospital. Hospital beds are not as comfortable as they might seem."

"Neither are hard plastic chairs." He comments.

"Not my fault. You chose to sleep in them." I say.

"It was worth the pain. I got to stay by your side."

I give him an adoring look. "Quit saying all these cute things. You're making my heart stutter."

"I think that's a good thing. So I'm not going to stop."

I roll my eyes. "Of course."

Silence takes over once again.

Until I break it.

"Oliver?"

"Hmm?"

"I think I'm going to take a nap." I tell him.

He nods, starting to get up. "I'll see you later then. Text me when you wake up, alri-"

"Stay with me." I interrupt.

"You're sure?"

"Of course." I confirm.

I pull the blankets back, and crawl underneath them.

Oliver climbs into bed with me, draping the covers over our bodies.

We lie there on our sides, facing one another.

It feels so good to be laying here in the warmth and familiarity of my bed.

"Cuddle me, please." I request.

Oliver looks at me, surprised. "I- you're affectionate today."

I ignore what he says. Instead, I scoot closer to him, until our bodies are pressed right up against one another.

He's so warm and soft.

Oliver looks down at me with a fond look in his eyes. He wraps his arm around my waist, tugging me impossibly closer.

I smile contently, and burrow my face into his chest.

"Goodnight Kellin." He whispers into my ear, his breath hot.

"This is a nap." I remind him.

"We both know that once you're comfortable, you refuse to get up."

He's right about that.

"Well goodnight then." I say.

"I love you." He tells me, his free hand playing with my hair.

And I can feel it. I can feel the love In the way he holds me like I'm delicate. I can feel it in the way his eyes soften when he looks at me.

I can't say it back. But I wish I could. Soon. Soon I'll be able to.

"I know." I whisper back. "I know."

I lean forward, and press my lips against his in a soft kiss that lasts only seconds.

Then I pull away.

His eyes open, and he stares at me with happiness in his eyes. He looks at me like I'm everything.

Nobody has ever looked at me like that before.

"God, I love you." He repeats.

"I know."


	8. Chapter 8

TUESDAY

Oliver was nice enough to wake me up to pancakes and bacon this morning.

I thanked him a million times, and we spent the morning together until he had to leave for school.

I kissed him goodbye. I, honest to God, don't think I'll ever tire of having his lips pressed to mine.

My mom is at work until around three PM, so I'm left alone for a solid six hours.

I'm still itching for the blade against my skin. So far I've been able to resist temptation. I think a big part of that has to do with the fact that my mom threw all my razors away.

A huge part of me is extremely grateful for that. If my blades were still lying around, I don't think I'd be able to resist the inviting look of them.

To add to that, my mom has pretty much locked up all sharp objects. I can't really blame her. I don't plan on doing anything as fatal as suicide again, but I barely trust myself.

So I spend most of the day watching TV, and listening to music. Oh, and scrolling through social media.

It gets a bit boring after a while, but it's whatever.

I'm laying on the sofa eating pizza rolls and drinking lemonade when there's a knock on the door.

I wonder who it is.

I know it can't be Oliver. His parents are making him stay home and spend time with them.

For now I have to settle with texting and maybe phone calls.

I get up off the sofa with a groan. I could probably lie there forever and be content.

I open the door only to see Vic standing there. Is school really already over?

"Vic?" I move aside to allow him to step inside.

"Hey." He greets.

He drops his bookbag down on the floor next to the door.

"Hey." I say. "What are you doing here?"

I internally curse myself for how rude it sounds.

"I wanted to visit you..." He says slowly. "Unless you don't want me here?"

I shake my head quickly. "No, of course I want you here. I was just surprised, since you know, we didn't make plans to hangout."

"When have we ever needed plans?"

"True." I agree with a laugh.

Vic walks down the hall to my bedroom, andplops himself down on the bed. I take a seat beside him.

"So when are you coming back to school?" He asks.

"Next Monday." I answer. "My mom doesn't want me to go back quite yet."

"Another week without you?" Vic asks. "How will I ever survive?"

I laugh. "I think you'll manage."

"Maybe. I mostly hang out with Jaime, and...this is pretty weird, but Tony."

"Tony?" I exclaim. "As in Tony Perry? Who fucked your girlfriend?"

Vic nods. "He's actually a pretty cool guy. He apologized to me about the whole Danielle thing. I guess he didn't know I was dating her. He felt really bad."

"So you're friends now?" I ask.

"Mhm. I think he and my brother might have something going on."

"What makes you think that?"

"Well, I walked in on them about to kiss so..." Vic says awkwardly.

"Seriously?" I ask in disbelief.

"Seriously. It was pretty damn awkward. I don't mind though."

"Well I'm missing out on a lot." I say sadly.

I have always hated school. I hate the people. I hate the teachers. I hate homework, and getting up early. I hate everything about it.

But now I'm starting to actually miss school. I miss the drama between other students. I miss fooling around with Vic in school.

School can be a pain in the ass, but at least it gives me something to do.

"Don't worry." Vic says, breaking into my thoughts. "You'll be back in no time.

"I hope so." I say.

"So, I have a problem."

"What is it?" I ask.

"Danielle is trying to get back together with me." Vic reveals.

"What? Really?" I ask, surprised, and mad. How dare that cheating tramp try to come back into Vic's life.

I've finally remembered enough to know how much that bitch hurt Vic. I hate her guts.

"Really. She came to me a few days ago, and said about how sorry she is for cheating. She said she made a mistake and she loves me. She asked for one more chance. Now she's been texting me non-stop." Vic explains.

"What are you going to do?" I ask.

"I don't know."

There's something off about his tone.

I look at him like he's crazy. "Please tell me you're not thinking about taking her back."

He shrugs, avoiding my eyes. "Maybe..."

"Really?" I ask, outraged, and filled with disappointment. "Why would you take someone back who hurt you like that? She cheated twice that you know of! Do you really think she won't do it again?"

"Everyone deserves a second chance." Vic says defensively.

"Even her? She hurt you so bad! What's going on with you? What's suddenly made you think that it'd would be a good idea to take her back?"

"I don't know!" Vic says loudly. "I'm lonely. I have friends, yeah, but I want more than that. I want someone I can hold at night."

"I understand." I say. "But why her?"

"Why do you care?" Vic retorts. "It's my life. Not yours."

Well, that hurt more than I'd care to admit.

"I care because you're my best friend! I don't want to see you get hurt! And that's all she's going to do; hurt you. It may not be my life but I thought I was a part of it, and being a part of it means I have the right to be worried for you."

"I know you mean well, Kellin. And I know she's not good for me...but at least she loves me. No one else does."

I can tell that he truly believes what he's saying and it breaks my heart. Why would he think that no one loves him?

"I love you." I say softly, resting my hand on his knee.

Vic looks me in the eyes, and gives me a sad smile. "I know you do. But not in the way I want."

It all makes sense then. He misses having a relationship, and all the benefits of it. He misses kissing, and holding hands, and going out on dates, and just plain love.

"Vic, please don't go back to her. I get that you're missing having someone to be with; considering you were in a relationship for nearly two years. But find someone else. Find someone who won't hurt you. Someone who loves you unconditionally, and will never break your heart."

Vic sighs. "I don't know if I'll ever find that person."

"You will." I assure him. "But it's not her. You'll find that person, and they will adore you. You know why?"

"Why?"

"Because you're you, and you are amazing. You're sweet, and you're kind. You're always cracking jokes, and you're the life of the party. When you love, you love deeply, and you'll do anything for that person. There are so many wonderful things about you. You're artistic, and smart, but you have a fun side, too." I finish.

I hope that Vic understands how great of a person he is. Anyone would be lucky to have him.

But Danielle isn't the girl for him, nor am I the boy for him. He needs someone who will love him with every inch of their being. I don't think neither Danielle or I are capable of that.

I don't even realize it, but by the end of my speech, Vic has gotten a whole lot closer. He's so close I can feel the body heat radiating off of him.

His mouth is next to my ear. "Maybe you're the person I've been looking for."

I'm about to open my mouth, and say no, I'm not. I'm not that person, and I never will be.

But I don't get the chance to.

Because his lips are on mine, one hand cupping my face, and the other on my waist.

It's automatic instinct for me to kiss back, and I do so. Vic's a pretty good kisser. But once I realize what this is, who I'm kissing, I'm about to jump away instantly.

But before I can do that, I hear a sharp inhale of breath behind me.

I have a horrible, awful feeling it's Oliver.

I shove Vic off me, and stand up. I turn around to see I was right and Oliver is standing there, in the doorway to my bedroom.

Goddamn it.

There's a pained expression on his face, one that I want to wipe away.

Our eyes connect.

His eyes hold anger, along with so much hurt lingering there. He looks like he might cry. I open my mouth to speak, but before I can get any words out, he's turned around and ran out of the room.

"What the fuck?" I ask angrily, as I look back at the bed where Vic is still sitting.

Vic looks up at me with wide eyes. "I'm sorry! I got caught up in the moment and-" Vic starts to explain.

"Just shut up!" I say harshly, cutting him off.

I ignore the hurt look on his face. He doesn't have a right to be hurt. How fucking dare he kiss me like that out of nowhere.

I'm overcome with guilt immediately afterwards. I feel bad for snapping at him like that, but right now I have more important things to do than apologize. Like explain this whole mess to Oliver before he thinks Vic and I are together.

I spin around, and race down the hall after Oliver. I catch up to him easily, and grab the sleeve of his flannel shirt.

"Oliver! Stop." I plead.

Surprisingly, he obeys, and turns around to face me. "What do you want, Kellin?" He asks, his voice wary.

"I'm sorry!" I say desperately. "That wasn't what it looked like."

"What it looked like? It looked a hell of a lot like Vic and you were making out. That's what it looked like. And don't say it was an accident. Because you can't accidentally make out with someone."

His features are hard, but his voice is calm, and composured. I can already tell what he's doing. He's shut himself off, refusing to show any emotions. But he's not doing a very good job.

"Please listen to me." I beg. "You've got it all wrong."

It seems like he doesn't even hear a word that comes out of my mouth. Instead, he continues to talk.

"You know, I know you're not mine." He whispers, his facade breaking as emotion pours into his words. "But I still can't help but get jealous. Seeing you kiss him, God, it hurts like nothing else I've ever felt before. I can't stand the thought of someone else touching you, kissing you, loving you."

"Oliver." I say softly once he's finished talking. I cup his face in my hand. "It wasn't what it looked like. I mean that."

He sighs, leaning into my touch. "It wasn't? Am I completely overreacting?"

I nod. "A little bit. Okay, a lot."

Oliver wraps his arms around my waist, and leans down to tuck his face into my neck. I relax in his arms. I love this. I love when he holds me.

"I'm sorry." He mumbles. "I shouldn't have reacted like that. I was just hurt. I thought...I thought you wanted him. I thought I'd lost you."

"Vic kissed me. But don't be mad at him. He was upset over some things going on, and he got caught up in the moment. You happened to walk in just as I was about to push him away." I explain.

Oliver sighs again. "I'm still sorry about that. I shouldn't have run away like that. My emotions took over, and I acted childishly."

"You shouldn't have done that, but it's okay. I understand how you felt." I say. "When I found out about you and Danielle, it hurt like hell, even though I barely knew you. Now, the thought of you two together tortures me. If there's one thing I never want to remember, it's that."

Oliver's hand rubs up and down my back in a soothing, calming manner. "You never have to worry about me being with someone else. I don't want anyone but you."

I smile at the reassurance. "You know I don't want Vic, right?" I ask, just to make sure.

Oliver hesitates. "I don't know. I get worried now that you've lost your memory. It'd be a lot easier to just forget about me, and be with Vic. Besides, you used to love him."

"I don't love him anymore."

I love you.

Yes.

I love him.

I love Oliver.

"I know."

"I want you." I tell him. "Not Vic."

He smiles against my skin. "Yeah?"

"Yeah." I confirm.

We're silent for a few minutes as he holds me in his arms. I've never felt more at home than I do when I'm in Oliver's embrace.

I use the moment of silence to think over all the shit that just went down.

"You said even though I'm not yours, you can't help but feel jealous of anyone else touching me, right?" I ask quietly.

Oliver nods.

"You don't have to worry. I'm yours. I've always been yours." I whisper.

Oliver pulls away to look at me, his eyes shining. "Really?"

"As long as you're mine, then I'll be yours." I say.

Oliver grins down at me. He swoops in, capturing my lips with his own, and making me lose all train of thought.

I pull away and a thought comes back to me.

"I thought you had to spend the day with your family?" I ask.

Oliver shrugs. "I was supposed to. But I talked them into letting me free. They say I'm lovesick."

"That's not a bad thing." I say. "If you're lovesick, then I'm a lovesick fool."

Oliver's lips curl up into a smile. "As long as you're my fool."

We smile at each other fondly.

"I have to talk to Vic."

Oliver removes his arms from around me, allowing me to go free. "Okay." He agrees, though he doesn't seem too happy about it.

"Don't worry. Nothing is going to happen."

"I know." He says.

I walk back down the hallway until I come to a stop at the doorway of my bedroom.

I see Vic sitting there on my bed, looking anxious and worried.

"Hey." I say softly, making my presence known.

Vic looks up at me. "Did I fuck everything up between you and Oliver?" He asks distraughtly. "Do you hate me?"

I take a seat next to him. "Everything is fine. I'm sorry for snapping at you."

"Don't be. I shouldn't have kissed you."

"You shouldn't have." I agree. "But why did you?"

"Because you were being so sweet. I know you were just being a good friend, trying to cheer me up and all, but I took it the wrong way. You know I'm in love with you...With all the nice things you were saying, I got caught up in the moment and I thought maybe you felt the same way."

"I'm sorry." I apologize.

I'm the one to blame here. Because I can't love him the way I used to.

"You don't have anything to be sorry for."

"Yes I do. I need to be more careful around you. With what I say. I don't want to get your hopes up like that again. I don't want to disappoint you."

"I just want the friendship we used to have. Back before you loved me, before Oliver, and all this drama. I want it all back. It was so easy back then." Vic says longingly.

"Before I loved you? That would be a long time ago." I tell him. "Because I loved you since I was fourteen."

"Yeah," Vic says. "I forgot about that."

I smile. "Yeah, you have a habit of remaining blissfully unaware."

Vic nods. "I know. I can be an idiot."

"Not an idiot. Just oblivious." I correct him.

"I'm sorry for kissing you" Vic repeats. "I know I already apologized, but I feel like I need to say it again."

"It's okay." I assure him. "I'm not mad. I was, but not anymore. We're okay now right?"

"Right."

"But. I need you to promise me something." I say.

"What is it?"

"Promise me you'll never kiss me again like that. I love you, I do, but I'm not in love with you."

"Okay." Vic agrees, a sad look on his face. "This feels...it feels final, you know?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, I guess I've been holding onto this hope that one day you'll realize you love me again, and we'll live happily ever after. I realize now that isn't going to happen."

Vic pauses. "It isn't going to happen, right?" He asks, as if making sure. I can tell he needs this, for me to say it.

So I do.

"It's not going to happen." I say, letting him down gently.

I feel like I'm breaking his heart. Maybe I am, if the way his face crumbles and a tear slides down his face has anything to say about it. I have the feeling I've done this countless times before. And I'll end up doing it again in the future.

"I should go." Vic says abruptly, standing up.

"Wait...You're okay, aren't you?" I ask worriedly.

He looks down at me, and gives me a look that screams 'are you serious'. "No." He says honestly. "I'm not okay, Kellin."

I stare at him, feeling helpless. "You're not going to let this change anything between us, right?"

Vic hesitates. "I don't know, Kellin. I want to say it won't...But I need some time to myself right now."

He makes a move to leave, but I call out his name. He stops in his tracks to glance back at me. "What?"

"Don't just leave, we can talk about this a-"

"Kellin." He cuts me off. "Stop, okay? I know you like to talk everything through and shit. But some things are just better left alone. Like this. We can't talk about this; no amount of talking will lessen my feelings for you. Like I said before, I need to be alone. I need time to think, to process this. Okay?"

"Alright." I say reluctantly.

Vic has reached the doorway, when once again, I speak.

"I'm sorry." I say sincerely. I've never meant any apology more than I do this one.

"I know." Vic says. "But no matter how much you might mean it, sorry doesn't mean a damn thing."


	9. Chapter 9

A WEEK & FOUR DAYS LATER

I returned to school on Monday, four days ago. I was scared, terrified even. I wasn't prepared to go back to school at all.

No one knew about my suicide attempt. None of the students, at least, but the teachers did. All my teachers were informed of what happened with me two months ago.

I was so afraid someone would find out that I'd been in the hospital for a month because I'd tried to kill myself. It was a pretty irrational fear, but oh well.

Of course, things didn't go nearly as bad as I had expected. All my teachers were super kind. Maybe a little too nice. I felt like they were babying me because of what had happened.

Students, people I'd never spoken to before, came up to me and asked where I had been. I've never been good at lying. So I came up with a lame on-the-spot excuse. 'I was in Hawaii.' I said.

It wasn't a very good idea. After that, everyone kept asking me questions about what it was like in Hawaii, and if my family was rich.

I dodged most of their questions, and made it through the school day in one piece.

It wasn't bad at all. It was normal. It was boring old school. Even though I've been back for four days, I still have random people come up to me and ask how Hawaii was.

It's pretty funny really. Sometimes I like to come up with little lies or silly stories about my time in Hawaii.

I see Vic in school.

Vic and I are talking, but he's been pretty distant. Our conversations are short lived, and usually awkward. I've tried texting him but he rarely responds. If he does, it's with short one worded responses. I know he said he needs some time alone, but I miss him.

I'm just waiting, and hoping things will go back to normal.

My memory hasn't come back as much or as often as it was. I'm lucky if I remember one thing a day. The things I remember are usually just small, unimportant yet meaningful conversations between Vic and I, or Oliver and I.

I like remembering. I mean, of course I do. I want to get my memory back. But I also like it because it lets me see what Oliver and I's relationship was like. It shows me all the struggles I went through, all the pain.

Somehow, I feel like pain makes you stronger. It makes you tougher.

I know I've suffered a lot of pain in my short lifetime. I'm still sad. I think that's something that will be here for a while. Sadness can leave. But never right away.

Sadness like this lingers in the background. It can fade but it takes a while. After all, sadness is practically my second nature.

I'm getting better.

I'm stable.

The medication the doctors gave me has started to work. I can feel it. The doctors said it could take up to a month for it to start to work. I know I've only been taking it for three weeks, but I can already feel the difference.

At times, the urge to slit my wrists is stronger than anything else. But I'm able to resist it. It's not like I want to die. Because I don't. I don't want to die any more. The urge to harm myself comes from my addiction.

Self harm is my addiction.

So far, I've been good at not giving in.

Bouts of depression used to come and go. More often than not, they would stay for a while and make me miserable.

They still come and go. But now they rarely stay.

I can't say that I'm completely okay now, because that would be a lie. I'm not healed or cured. I'm still a mess sometimes.

But I'm getting better. I'm making progress, and I think that's a good thing.

Some days I'm happy. I can say with absolute certainty that I'm happy. Can you believe that? Me, happy? I don't know how it happened, but it's the best feeling in the world to be content, to feel joy.

It might not be all that much, but it's progress. At least it's something, rather than nothing at all.

I had my appointment with the psychiatrist a few days ago. It was a woman, Ms. Jardine. Or Tay, as she told me to call her. I like her so far. She was really nice. She asked me a lot of questions, which I answered. The session wasn't as bad as I figured it would be.

Oliver has helped me a lot through the past week. I've broke down once or twice (I have periods of time where I get really emotional and need to let my feelings out), and he was there to hold me, to love me.

God, I really love him.

It's been a week and a half since I realized I'm in love with Oliver. I still haven't told him. I'm not sure why. It was just something I felt like keeping to myself for a while. I'm not going to blurt it out, nor make a big deal out of it. I'll tell him on my own time.

Which I'm sure is soon.

____

"I want to take you somewhere." Oliver says, as he plays with my fingers.

"Where?" I ask.

It's Friday, and we're sitting on my bed, like usual. We were talking about my session with my psychiatrist. I was telling him everything that had happened, when he said he wanted to take me somewhere.

"It's a surprise." Oliver tells me. "If you'll come, of course."

"Okay." I agree, because why not.

Oliver hops up off my bed, grabs his shoes, and puts them on. I follow his lead and slip my own on.

We walk downstairs, and out the front door.

"Are we driving?" I ask.

"Nah. It's not far. We can walk."

Butterflies swim around in my stomach. I'm nervous and anxious for whatever reason. Where is he taking me that's within walking distance?

Oliver and I walk for only about fifteen minutes before we come to a stop at a familiar place. A very familiar place.

It's the cliff I, months ago, planned to throw myself off.

"Why are we here?" I ask, confused.

Why did Oliver bring me here of all places?

"It's our place. Weird as that may sound, considering you attempted to kill yourself here, it's where we met. If it wasn't for this cliff, we never would have met. I never would have saved you, and we wouldn't have fallen in love." Oliver explains.

I smile at him. It is weird that the place I tried to kill myself is also the reason I met the love of my life. But who gives a shit? I met him. That's all that matters.

"That's sweet." I say, pecking him on the lips.

He holds me in his arms for a moment. "Do you wanna go sit?" He asks, gesturing at the edge of the cliff.

I glance at it. "Isn't that dangerous?" I ask, cautiously.

Oliver shrugs. "Probably. But I won't let you fall."

He takes me by the hand, and I follow him to the edge where we sit. Our legs dangle off the edge.

It all feels very familiar.

Wouldn't it be horribly ironic if I were to fall off? You know, considering I once attempted to and failed, and now I actually don't want to fall at all.

I don't want to fall at all, I realize. Looking down at the ocean waves, I'm actually a little afraid. The thought of accidentally falling off this cliff scares me. I don't want to leave Oliver. Or Vic, or my mother. I don't want to die. At all.

Oliver squeezes my hand. "You alright?"

"Yeah, I'm fine." I say. "I was thinking, that's all."

"You think too much."

"You don't think enough." I retort lamely.

Oliver smiles at my failed attempt of a comeback. I find myself lost in staring at him. He's so beautiful. Oliver is such a great person. He's so sweet, and he's stayed by my side through all of this.

Oliver is the best person I know. He annoys the hell out of me at times, with all his teasing. But it's not the bad kind of annoyance. It's the kind you can't help but love, and adore.

Whenever I start to feel sad, he's there to hold me. He tells me I'm amazing and I'm just as important as everyone else in this world.

"I love you." I blurt out.

Oliver looks at me, surprise evident on his face. Soon after his eyes light up, and a wide grins stretches across his face.

"You do?"

"I do." I confirm.

Oliver's grin gets even bigger if that's possible, and he tugs me close. His lips meet mine in a sweet kiss.

"I love you too." He tells me once he's pulled away.

I smile contentedly, and rest my head on his shoulder. I love when he says that.

"You know, I'm pretty irresistible." Oliver says.

I peer up at him. "Why do you think that?"

"Well, I did make you fall in love with me. Twice."

I don't even bother to protest or deny it. After all, it's true. He did manage to get me to fall for him twice.

"And all in less than a year." He adds.

"You're so full of yourself. Then again, you're right."

"I know I am."

I smile fondly. He's adorable, and cocky, and I love him.

I stare out at the ocean, comfortable and content as I cuddle against Oliver's side.

I start to once again feel that dizziness. I know what it is instantly. A memory.

But this time it's not one memory, or even two.

My head aches. It's like a migraine, but worse. I wince, and grit my teeth. I feel on the verge of passing out.

Memories flash through my head, and I remember. I remember the night I tried to kill myself. I stood on this very cliff, and I was so ready to end it all. I was slipping, but someone grabbed my hand and pulled me up. It was Oliver.

I remember the days after that. I remember talking to Oliver in school, and Vic acting weird. Jealous. Oliver and I exchanged numbers, and we started to text.

Vic was ignoring me. Oliver and I spent a lot of time together. He came over to my house, and we'd watch crappy movies. He was always flirting with me. But I loved it.

We flirted and flirted, and he said corny stuff that made my heart skip a beat. He comforted me when I needed him most.

And I fell in love with him.

Just like that, every single memory comes flooding back, and I remember everything.

I'm me again. There's nothing missing anymore, not a thing out of place. I am whole.

As quick as the headache and dizziness came, it's disappeared, gone like that.

"Kellin? Kellin, are you okay?" Oliver's worried voice calls out to me.

I look at him. "Oliver!" I exclaim, throwing myself at him in a tight hug. "Oliver, I remember!"

"Remember? What did you remember?" He asks, excited. He has no idea.

"Everything." I breathe out.

He pulls away to look at me in shock and disbelief. "Everything? I- oh my God. You remember everything? Meeting me? Loving me? All the stuff in between? Vic?"

I nod my bead furiously. "Yes! All of it!"

"Oh my God." He says, still in shock. He pulls me back into his arms, and buries his face into my neck. I can feel him grinning against my skin.

"This is great!"

"I know." I move away slightly, and he looks at me. "But there's one thing that's different."

"What is it?" Oliver asks, nervously.

"I think I love you more." I tell him. "Even more than I did before. I didn't think that was possible."

Oliver hugs me again. "I love you, I love you, I love you."

I giggle. "I love you too. Someone's cuddly." I gesture at the way our bodies are pressed against one another as he holds me tight.

"I don't know, I just love you."

I smile, and swing my feet back and forth. "It's weird, because... I remember everything that happened before I lost my memory. But I also remember everything after I woke up, and it's like, all those memories have just combined."

"I'm so glad you're back." Oliver repeats for the second time, looking at me with adoring eyes.

"Me too. It was hell. I kept struggling with my feelings for you, because I felt like I knew you, but I didn't. It was also hard to get used to everything. So much had changed since what I could remember, and I was...overwhelmed."

"Well, now you don't have to worry. Your memory is back, and there's nothing you don't know. Plus, you have me."

"I do..." I say slowly. "I hope I always have you."

"Don't worry love, I'm never leaving your side."


	10. Chapter 10

ONE DAY LATER

"Mom!" I shout as soon as I walk in the front door.

"What honey?" She calls out from the living room.

I enter the room to see her lounging on the sofa, a pack of Oreos in her lap while she watches anime on the TV. Just a normal day for my mother.

Her eyes flicker up to me. "What's up babe?"

I sit beside her. "Ma, my memory is back."

Her eyes widen, and she engulfs me in a hug. "That's great Kellin! When did it come back?"

I hug her back, before moving away. "Last night." I answer. "Well, yesterday afternoon. I was hanging out with Oliver, and we were talking and then bam- my memory came back."

"Why didn't you call and tell me?"

"I got distracted. Oliver and I were so happy, we decided to celebrate. And you know, I called and asked if I could spend the night. I never really got the chance."

She winks at me. "What do you mean by celebrating?"

I groan, and blush bright red. "Ma! Nothing like that happened. At least not yet."

"So it will happen?" She asks slyly.

"Mom!" I say disapprovingly. "I don't know when it'll happen. It could be today, or it could be a year. Well, not a year. But my point is, I'll do it when I'm ready."

She smiles. "I knew I raised you well. Anyway what's in store now that you have your memory back?"

I shrug. "I don't really know. I'm just happy to be myself again. My whole self, y'know?"

"You're graduating soon." She says. There's a slight sadness in her voice, but I can also hear that she's proud.

"I am." I agree. "In five months. I have time."

"I know, but it's always best to plan ahead. What are you going to do? You know, with Oliver and college, and all?" She asks.

That makes me nervous. I don't know what I'll do. Honestly, what I've been expecting is for Oliver and I to go to the same college.

Then we'd get jobs, and start our life together.

I know Oliver wants a future with me. But what if he doesn't want to go to the same college as me? What if we break up?

Fuck, now I'm anxious.

"Calm down." My mother says, intruding on my thoughts. "I can practically see your brain moving. Don't worry babe."

I sigh. "You brought up college."

"I asked a question. Anyway, what are you so worried about?" She asks, patting my knee.

"What if Oliver and I break up?"

She gives that look, the one that clearly says, 'are you fucking kidding me.' "Is that seriously what you're worried about? Kellin, don't think about stuff like that. You'll just worry yourself sick."

"I know it's a possibility. I've always known that. But the thought of it actually happening scares the hell out of me. I love him."

"And he loves you." She says. "He loves you, and he's stayed with you this long. Have some faith in him, in yourself, why don't you?"

"I know, I know. I'm trying not to worry. But we both know I'm constantly anxious and restless."

She 'mhms' in agreement. "True that. You've always been like that. Ever since you were a little boy, while all the other kids were having fun and living carelessly, you were worried about the consequences your actions would bring. You've always been so responsible, and what's the word? I can't think of it right now, but you think too much. I've told you that a thousand times. I know it's normal for you. But sometimes you should live carelessly, well not carelessly, but I think you get what I mean. Find a sort of middle zone, and stick with it. Not thinking so much, you'll be much happier in the long run."

I listen to her lecture with open ears. She finishes, and I voice my response, "I've said this a lot, but I'll try. It's hard to change habits. Hopefully this time I'll be able to stick with it."

"So how are you feeling? Now that your memory is back?"

"I'm okay. I feel better. Happier. It's nice, y'know? I hated having moments where Oliver or Vic would mention something we had done, and I'd just stare at them cluelessly, because I had no idea what they were talking about."

My mother gives a sympathetic look. "At least you don't have to worry about that anymore."

"Yeah. Yeah, I don't."

_____

"Hello?" Vic answers as he picks up the phone.

My eyes widen. I've been calling forever, and I didn't think he'd ever answer. But he did.

"Vic, hey." I greet.

"Kellin. What's up?" He asks.

His voice is mostly friendly, but I can tell that he doesn't really want to talk to me. That makes my heart ache. It's been so weird between us since that kiss. We text sometimes, sure, but he barely responds.

I miss him.

"You should come over." I say with hesitation. I'm scared he'll say no.

"I don't know if that's a good idea..." He says slowly.

"Vic. Please." I beg.

Vic lets out a deep sigh. "Fine. I'll be there in twenty."

"Thank you." I say.

"Anything for you." Is all he says before he's hung up on me.

-

"Hey."

"Hi." I say softly as I step aside to let Vic in.

There's a silence between us that seems to stretch on forever.

He sighs, and leans back against the wall. I do the same, crossing my arms over my chest. I feel awkward.

"Why did you invite me over?"

"I missed you." I say truthfully.

He pins me with a harsh stare. "Did you?" He challenges.

I wince. "Don't do that." I say defensively. "Don't act like I don't care. Because I do, I always do. "

"It doesn't seem like it." Vic mutters, looking away.

"How?" I ask, attempting to keep the anger out of my voice. "What have I ever done to make you feel like I didn't care?"

He meets my eyes. "Kellin, it's not about what you've done and haven't done."

"Then what is it about?"

"It's about the fact that I love you, okay? I can't stand to watch you and Oliver, being in love. It's not right! It was supposed to be me!" Vic bursts out. His voice goes down to a whisper. "You and me, Kellin."

I stare at him.

Sure, I know he loves me. But this is...different.

"I didn't know you feel that way." I murmur. "You know I'm sorry, right?"

"God! Will you stop saying that?" Vic shouts as he runs his hand through his hair in frustration.

I jump at the sudden raise of his voice. "Sorry? I'm not allowed to say 'sorry'?"

"That's the thing! That's all you ever say! Sorry this, sorry that! You apologize for no reason, even when I'm the one in the wrong. You want everything to go back to normal, and you expect me to forget what happened ever happened. But sometimes I can't. I can't forget how it felt to kiss you, to hold you..." His voice breaks.

I watch as tears well up in his eyes. He wipes the tears away with the sleeve of his sweatshirt. I don't know what to do, what to say.

So I do the only thing I can think of.

I pull him into a hug, my arms laced around his thin waist. He lays his head on my shoulder and cries.

"Vic?"

"What?" He asks, sounding choked.

"I'm sorry." I say. "I know you don't want me to say that, but it's true. I'm sorry. I'm the one making you feel this way. It's my fault this time."

"It's not your fault." He defends.

"Yes, it is."

"How?"

"Because I keep breaking your heart. It's my fault because I exist, and I make you feel this way."

Vic pulls himself out of my arms. "I'm glad you exist. You're my favorite person."

How can he love me so much when all I do is break his heart? It's never intentionally. But I do it just by being with Oliver.

"You're mine too." I say.

He nods. "I'm sorry. For yelling at you. I just...I'm mad at myself and I took it out on you."

"Why are you mad at yourself?"

"Because I'm the one who keeps getting hurt, and it's no one's fault but mine. I kissed you. I knew how it would end, but I did it anyway."

"Don't blame yourself." I say strictly. "It was a mistake."

"Yeah, well, it wasn't a mistake for me. At least not when I did it. I regret it now, because I can't stop thinking about it."

"Is that why you've been ignoring me?"

"Yes? No? I don't know anymore. I wanted some time to be alone, but it's been a lot easier to not have you in my life."

I flinch at his words.

I feel like a knife was thrust into my chest. Maybe he's right. Life is easier without me in it. Maybe I should end this right now, our friendship.

He deserves better than to be stuck in a friendship with someone who makes it impossible for him to get over them. I'd do anything for him to be happy, even if it meant I had to lose him. So maybe I should do it. Get it over with.

"Vic, maybe we need some time apart and-"

"Kellin, please shut up." He begs.

I snap my mouth shut.

"Don't you dare attempt to finish that sentence, okay? I know what you were going to say, and how could you even think that?" Vic asks, hurt.

"Because I want what's best for you. And I don't think that's me..." I admit. God, it hurts to say. But it's the truth.

Vic looks at me, as if waiting for me to say I'm joking, but I'm not. I'm not.

"You can't be serious." He says flatly.

"I am. I'm serious."

"No, you're not. Do you really think that's best for me? To lose you?" He asks in disbelief.

Yes.

"It is. We need some time apart...You need time to move on. You said it yourself, your life is easier without me in it."

"I didn't mean it like that!" Vic protests passionately.

"Then what did you mean?"

What else could you mean?

"I don't know..."

"See!" I say. "You know what you said, and...I agree. I think we're done, Vic."

"Stop saying that!"

"I can't, okay? Vic, you were right, and your life is easier without me in it. So I'm not going to be in it."

He looks at me with wide eyes. I think he's finally realized that I'm serious, that this isn't a joke.

"Kellin..." He says desperately. He grabs onto my arm. "I didn't mean it like that. All I meant was that it was easier because I didn't have to pine after you everyday. But I need you. You can't just cut me out of your life."

"I'm sorry." I apologize. "But this is better for the both of us."

I've made up my mind. Vic and I need to be apart. It's the best thing there is to do. For me and for Vic.

Vic needs the chance to get over me, and he's never going go do that if we're around each other everyday, and he has to watch me with Oliver.

Sometimes the best thing is to have distance. I know from experience how hard it is to get over someone when they hang off your arm everyday.

Don't leave me." He begs, his eyes filled with unshed tears.

"I'm not leaving you...I'm letting you go."

"I love you!" His grip on my arm tightens. He looks at me with pleading eyes.

"I know..." I say, resting my hand on top of his. "But that's the whole problem."

There's silence.

"My memory came back. Yesterday." I tell him.

Happiness shines in his eyes, but it quickly fades. "Good for you." He says sarcastically.

I wince. "Don't be like that."

"Like what? Why did you even bother to tell me that? What does it matter? We're not friends." Vic spits meanly. "I'm nothing to you, so you're nothing to me."

His words cut deep.

"I'm sorry." I say pathetically.

Sorry, sorry, sorry. I've said it so many times, does it even have meaning anymore?

His face softens.

"If you love me," Vic speaks softly. "If you truly love me, you won't do this to me, you won't let me go. This is your last chance."

"It's because I love you that I have to let you go."

There's silence again. I shrug his hand off my arm.

"I think you should leave." I say quietly.

He gives me a longing, hopefully look. One that is begging for me to change my mind. I don't meet his eye.

"I love you." Is the last thing he whispers before he tugs himself away.

He slams the door on his way out, expressing all of the emotions he doesn't.

Then I'm alone in an empty house. I don't let myself feel regret. I did the right thing, didn't I?

I'm not so sure anymore.

I love you.

-

"Are you okay? You sounded upset on the phone." Is the first thing Oliver says when he arrives at my house.

I invited him over as soon as Vic left.

I shake my head. "Not really."

"What's wrong?" He asks.

"It's Vic."

"What did he do?"

"He didn't do anything. I did."

"Well, what did you do?" Oliver asks curiously.

"I broke up with him? As a friend. I told him we shouldn't be friends anymore."

Oliver's eyebrows furrow together. "Why would you do that? I know you and Vic have had your share of problems, but..."

"He loves me, you know that. I felt like it would be better if we had some time apart. So he could get over me, you know?"

"So what's the problem?"

I sigh deeply. "I don't know if I did the right thing. I really hurt him, plus I miss him already."

"Well, I don't know what to tell you. Are you regretting it?"

"Yes." I say with a nod.

"Why?"

"Because I don't know if I want to lose him. I mean, I already have. But I want him in my life. Now, I can't have him there."

"So you're regretting it because you miss him? Because you're scared you've ruined yours and Vic's relationship, permanently?"

"Yeah, that's it. I thought I was doing the right thing, but now I'm not so sure."

"Do you think this separation will help Vic?" Oliver asks.

"Of course I do." I say. "I know it will. It was hard for me to get over him because I was around him all the time. Once I was away from him for a while, I had the chance to fall for someone else; you."

"If you're sure this will help, then don't doubt yourself so much. Have a little faith, yeah? If you and Vic are meant to be in each other's lives, it'll work itself out." Oliver tells me.

"You're probably right." I say.

Then again, when is he not? He's always there for me to talk to, and he always gives me the truth, and soothes my, at times, irrational fears.

I don't know what I would do without him.


	11. Epilogue

Third Person POV

Oliver was right.

Months passed by and Kellin continued to be separated from his best friend, Vic. Life without Vic went agonizingly slow. It was difficult to not have the elder boy in his life. Kellin missed his best friend, his closest confidant, the person he could go to for anything.

Eventually, Kellin began to get used to life without his best friend in it. He still had Oliver, and he was happier than ever. Life was nearly fairytale perfect. But there was one thing missing; Vic.

After around eight months, they began to talk again. It started out slow. Vic texted Kellin out of the blue one day, and Kellin jumped for joy when he saw the text message. Just that one text from Vic had hope filling Kellin's chest. 

They didn't talk about the whole situation for a while. They talked about normal, everyday events, and made small talk. Kellin told Vic everything he'd missed out on in the months they'd been apart, and Vic did the same for him.

Finally, they began to reconnect even more. Instead of texting, they had phones calls and eventually started hanging out together in person again. It was awkward for a while. Kellin felt horrible for how he had thrown Vic out of his life. But at the same time, he didn't regret it. He still felt it had been the right decision. 

The awkwardness between them didn't last long. Vic and Kellin quickly got over the barriers in front of them. Things resumed to how they had been years ago, when everything was great, and they were close as ever.

Kellin's plan had worked. Those months apart had given Vic the time to start to get over Kellin. Vic admitted that he still loved Kellin; he always would. But Vic had began to date someone, a mutual friend, Jaime, who was succeeding in helping Vic move past his remaining feelings for Kellin with each day.

With the most two important people in his life, Oliver and Vic, Kellin was the happiest he'd ever been. 

Kellin's antipdepressants worked. He was much happier now. Thoughts of death were fewer and more spaced out. He wasn't completely better, but he was much more content and joyful with the thought of living. When thoughts of death crossed his mind, it was nothing but that; a thought.

He no longer self harmed. It took him a while to be able to stop. It was an addiction, after all. With the help of his family, friends, and his own willpower, he finally got clean.

Kellin was hopelessly in love with Oliver. And that love he held for the elder boy, never once dwindled down. If anything, it got stronger and stronger with each day that passed.

Oliver and Kellin often talked about how their lives, their love, was very much like a movie, or novel. Kellin supposed it was.

This is how he thought of it: When Kellin was eighteen years old, he tried to kill himself. He was unhappy with life, and he was in love with his straight best friend. Then a boy with beautiful hazel eyes by the name of Oliver saved his life when he wanted anything but. They became friends, and along the way, with a shitload of drama, Kellin fell in love with him. This time, he had the luck of his love being returned. His best friend, Vic, realized he was in love with Kellin, which only created more drama than necessary. Then, Kellin attempted suicide, and woke up from a coma three weeks later with the unfortunate luck of having memory loss. Which meant he had to fall in love with Oliver all over again.

So, doesn't that sound like a movie?

It didn't matter either way. Even through all the stuff that had happened, Kellin, Oliver, and Vic overcame it. All the struggles Kellin had went through, were merely memories in the distance.

He was happy now.

Once school ended, Kellin and Oliver decided that they would go to the same college, because they couldn't bear to be apart.

They both went for what they wanted most; music.

They graduated from college, and got great jobs. Oliver ended up owning his own record company, and Kellin pursed his dream of being a singer.

At the ages of twenty one, Oliver took Kellin to the cliff where they had met years before, and proposed. Kellin was a blubbery mess, but of course, he said yes. This was Oliver, and Kellin planned on spending the rest of his life with the elder boy.

It's funny how the place Kellie nearly died, nearly lost his life, was the one place he met the most important person in his life.

At the ages of twenty three, Kellin and Oliver got married in the backyard of Kellin's house. It was a beautiful wedding, small, but perfect for them.

Vic came, with his fiance Jaime, and Kellin's mother sobbed and took way too many photos.

As Kellin looked into Oliver's eyes and said "I do," he could thing only one thing; he was immensely grateful for everything that had happened in the past. He might have been a mess, and he might have wanted to die, and he wouldn't relive any of that. But in the end, all his problems were something he was glad to have had, and gotten through.

All his problems, his struggles, they made Kellin into the person he was supposed to be.

Not only that, but they helped him to find the love of his life. The boy with too many tattoos, and ripped skinny jeans, a sarcastic and cocky boy who was, in reality, a total sweetheart. The boy who saved his life, who never left his side even when things were hard; Oliver. His other half.

If soulmates existed, then Oliver was surely his.

THE END.


	12. Sequel or Triquel?

Helllooo, wonderful readers of mine! Just wanted to let you know that I am currently writing a triquel to this book! It's going to be Vic's story, and pretty much what happened with him in the time that he and Kellin were separated. It will be a fuenciado, because as I wrote in the epilogue, Jaime is who Vic ends up with. So if you're interested, you can give it a read when it comes out! I'm not _exactly_ sure when it will come out, soon, though, I think. It's not going to be very long I don't think, perhaps a few chapters, or a long one shot, we'll see. Anyway, that's it, and thank you guys for reading my books, I love you sooo much  <3


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